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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
THOUGHTS ON VACATIONS 2004-08-18 Summer is vacation time for most Americans, and my husband and I just returned from ours. Actually, it wasn't a typical vacation involving relaxation and sight-seeing in some exotic location. It was a road trip to Seattle for my son's wedding and all the accompanying festivities, and while it wasn't at all relaxing (weddings rarely are), it was wonderful nonetheless. Being a mother of four, I always enjoy a visit with my children, especially since two of them live in Seattle, 1000 miles away, and I don't see them very often. We have so much fun together that I have a dream to someday build a log cabin in Southern Oregon, so that all my children can gather in a central location once a year for a week or two of relaxation, white water rafting, and theater at the Ashland Shakespeare Festival. I also enjoy vacations with just my husband. Having been married for 36 years, we know each other so well, and share so many interests, that there is no one else we would rather travel with than each other. We have never taken separate vacations, and if we ever did it would feel odd. I can't imagine a circumstance where I would even want to take a vacation without him. But that is me; others feel differently. I know married couples who get along quite well and take separate vacations, at least some of the time. Perhaps he likes mountain climbing and she enjoys sunbathing in the Caribbean. Or she wants to attend a garden tour in England while he prefers fishing in the Northwest. It seems to me that as long as both agree to the separate destinations, there is no problem. In fact, both partners can come back with days of stories to share with each other. Problems arise when the partners disagree on whether or not separate vacations are acceptable. If a couple marries later in life, for example, and one is used to taking vacations alone or with friends, he or she may see no reason to change a longstanding pattern. If the partner disagrees, however, and believes marriage means shared vacations, there will be a need to talk things through. The important thing is to understand the meaning of the different preferences. Why does one want to take only shared vacations? Is it a lack of trust, or simply a desire to share as much as possible with the spouse? Many individuals have grown up with the tradition that marriage means the two people become "one" and ought to share everything, including vacations. Others may feel left out and lonely if a spouse wants to travel without them. Sometimes taking a separate vacation would mean hardship for the spouse left behind. For example, when a couple has small children, and the spouse left behind would be burdened with all the childcare for an extended period, taking a separate vacation may be an act of selfishness. On the other hand, why might a spouse want to take a separate vacation? Is it to get away from the spouse or rather to continue a longstanding tradition of going on an annual trip with a friend? Is it to go somewhere the spouse would not be interested in going? Marriage, or indeed any committed monogamous relationship, doesn't mean you have to give up all independent activity: school, career, hobbies, friends, or even separate vacations. What it does mean is being willing to make some sacrifices and give up some things to accommodate the other person. After all, we usually don't share our life with someone who sees the world exactly the way we do. My son's wedding was a beautiful example of learning to accomodate another person. My son's new wife is from Puerto Rico and is bilingual, while my son has never really learned to speak Spanish. He spent some time before the wedding, however, learning a few phrases so that he could not only say his vows in Spanish, but also offer a toast to his bride, not just for her benefit, but for that of her parents, to whom he wished to show respect. I'm sure it would have been much easier for him to speak entirely in his native language, but he chose to go that extra mile, and even risk looking foolish, to show his love. His in-laws and his bride were delighted. So when there are differences of opinion or culture, we need to talk, and more importantly listen, ask the right kinds of questions, and reach beyond our comfort zone to show our love. Once we understand the deeper meaning of the partner's desire, it becomes easier to find a compromise, or to accept our differences with grace and find a way to make the best of things. Above all, a vacation should be a time of rest and renewal. Most of us work very hard and would like to share time away from work with those we love the most. Vacations not only provide us with a renewal of energy, they can revitalize our relationships. However, if we occasionally want to take a separate vacation, perhaps an annual fishing trip with the guys or an occasional excursion with our women friends, it shouldn't be cause for concern in an otherwise healthy relationship. The important thing is to reach an understanding that both partners feel comfortable with. Anything less will mean a constant source of friction, many ruined vacations, and possibly the loss of the relationship. The bottom line is this: the cost of any relationship of love is sacrifice and compromise, not insisting on having your own way all of the time, and being willing to change some things, even the way you look at vacations, in order to please your partner. Love, as I have said many times, is not free. |