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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
VERBAL SPARRING WITH A THREE YEAR OLD 2004-07-26 The parental frustration in dealing with the "terrible twos" is nothing compared to what parents must contend with when their children are between the ages of three and four. At two, a toddler may have temper tantrums and say "no" a lot. But he is still small enough to be picked up and deposited in his room for a time out, and he can usually be managed with parental bribes, threats, and distractions. He can also be ignored, if necessary, and almost always outsmarted by clear thinking parents. Yes, it is annoying to be in a continual battle with him, and frustrating to endure a tantrum, but the one thing a two year old cannot do is match wits, through language, with a parent. Between the ages of three and four, however, he can. At two, a child's language of rebellion consists mainly of the word "no." By three and a half it includes all sorts of responses like "you can't make me," or "you do it," or "I don't feel like it," or "in a little while," or "later." For decades, parents have called this "back talking" and often severely punished it. The three year old, however, can always counter with another strategy - ignoring what a parents says. This is a great way of avoiding punishment for back talking but still getting to do what he wants. While a two year old is not likely to ignore the words of a parent, a three and a half year old becomes mysteriously deaf to parental commands and requests. During a recent visit to my daughter's house my husband and I observed our grandson continually challenge his mother and father. When his mother told him to take something to his room, he either pretended he didn't hear her or told her he didn't want to. Once, I tried to reinforce her and teach him something in the process, by asking him how he would feel if mommy didn't fix his breakfast when he got up in the morning because she didn't feel like it. He replied "I would be hungry." When I continued with "Wouldn't you feel sad or angry?" he said "No, just hungry." Case closed. My reasoning fell flat. Later, when it was dinner time and we were trying to decide what to eat, Sean said he wanted a hamburger and french fries, and we all agreed that was a good idea. Since it was over 100 degrees outside and there was no access to a barbecue because Sean's parents are in the process of building a patio in the back yard, Sean's grampy and I decided to pick up some burgers and bring them back to the house. Sean picked at the burger (it had a few sesame seeds on the bun and didn't look like a McDonald's burger, so Sean was suspicious), ate a few fries and scarfed down his lemonade. His mother, who is growing increasingly frustrated with Sean's eating habits and constant changing of his mind about what he wants, said "Sean, remember how you said you wanted a hamburger and french fries? Now I want you to eat your hamburger." Sean's reply, delivered with a look of angelic innocence was "I remember the french fries." It is the twin abilities of language and primitive reasoning, signs of increasing brain development, that allow a three year old to match wits with his parents and this can drive even the most mellow and reasonable adult to feel frustrated and incompetent. What most parents fail to understand is that the child of this age is developing as he should, growing more adept at language as a tool to control his world. He isn't trying to drive his parents insane, just trying to assert his new power to think, make decisions and negotiate. When children reach this age and stage of development, however, parents become increasingly frustrated and angry at their children largely because the tactics that worked with a two year old no longer are effective. Unfortunately, the new tactic parents try - reasoning with their verbally adept child - doesn't usually work either. This frequently prompts parental outbursts of yelling, threatening or even spanking, followed by pangs of guilt for losing their tempers. So what is a parent supposed to do with a formerly loving and compliant child who, seemingly overnight, turns into a stubborn, verbally adept miniature F. Lee Bailey? Short of finding a few extra IQ points or earning a law degree in order to argue better with a toddler, there isn't much a parent can do verbally to force a child to comply with parental directives. But there are a few indirect strategies that may help. First of all, parents need to choose their battles. Fighting over eating or sleeping or even using the toilet are not good ideas. The lessons associated with these scenarios, because they involve biological functions that three year olds especially want to control, are best left to learning the hard way. In other words, if a child refuses to eat, wait until the next meal time to offer food so that he has a chance to get good and hungry. No in between meal snacks like cookies or popsicles. Young children are especially fond of sweets and can quickly learn that if they refuse a meal they can ask for something later, and a parent, worried that her child is hungry, will likely offer a snack that is tastier than the previous meal. Regular meal schedules are also helpful as children like routine, get used to eating at certain times, and will regulate their bodily needs accordingly. Unpredictable meal times - especially later than usual times - are problematic for two reasons. Children get hungry and cranky waiting for a late meal, or end up snacking and losing their appetites. Children this age will also sometimes fight sleep. The activities of the day are exciting and they may have a hard time settling down for the night. There is no way to make a child fall sleep although there are ways to help children wind down and stay in bed. Routines around bedtime are always helpful. These include activities that are calming and conducive to relaxation and ultimately sleep. A warm bath, followed by reading a few simple happy-ending stories (not scary or adventure stories) are a good prelude to sleep. Tucking a child in, saying prayers, giving a kiss and saying "See you in the morning" are good ways to end the parent-child bedtime routine. Some children like their parents to stay until they fall asleep, but this practice can gradually be discontinued by saying "goodnight" and telling the child you will check on him in a few minutes. This helps the child find his own method for falling asleep. Some children will have such a hard time getting to sleep that they will get out of bed many times. The best response here is to say very little other than "let's get back to bed" and lead the child calmly back to his bed (as many times as necessary until the child knows he will always be taken back to bed and never get much parental interaction in the process). As for using the toilet, children this age will still have the occasional accident. This can be upsetting to parents who thought they were beyond this problem. One reaction which is counterproductive is to get anxious and, in an effort to avoid the unpleasantness of an accident, ask a child too often if he needs to use the toilet. He will only get annoyed with the constant questionning. Instead, trust him that he knows his own bladder, expect an occasional accident, and let him experience the unpleasant feelings associated with the accident. He will soon learn to pay closer attention to his body signals. After all, the goal is to get him to take care of his own needs. You don't want to be asking him if he needs to use the bathroom for the next five years. Other strategies for handling three to four year olds include giving them plenty of affection when they are cooperative, ignoring some of the annoying things they do, assigning them a few regular chores for which they get verbal rewards, limiting their choices and keeping them busy. An important thing to keep in mind is this: just because children this age are able to carry on a sophisticated conversation with you doesn't mean you can get them to do what you want them to do just by saying the right things to them. As mentioned previously, children's ability to outsmart you with language is quite striking at this age. Above all, parents should avoid getting into arguments with children, or giving them openings to talk back. When a child says "I don't feel like it" or "I don't want to," a parent can simply say "that's interesting, now put your toys away." Or the parent can simply Ignore the verbal protest and repeat the directive as many times as necessary until the child gets tired of his parent saying the same thing over and over. Another tactic successful parents often use is giving a child a stern look. You don't need to say anything; they know what the look says. I gave Sean one of those looks the other day when he pushed his sister down. We had a stare-down contest for what seemed like a very long time and then he simply said "I'm sorry" to which I replied "I'm glad to hear that" as I gave him a hug. Sometimes the best way to handle three year old children is by using no words at all. |