| |
 |
 |
 |
Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
SELF-ESTEEM IS NOT ENOUGH 2004-06-19 When I first began my studies to become a psychotherapist, the topic of "self-esteem" and its importance to psychological well-being was first showing up in the psychology literature and self-help books. The research identified two components to self-esteem: parental love and acceptance, and success in one's undertakings (school, work, etc.) Because psychologists had identified low self-esteem in many of their clients, it soon became a goal of the profession to help people raise their self esteem. One of my first employers had even purchased the materials for a self-esteem class that she asked me to conduct with her clients. I tried, but it never made much sense to me to have people obsess about their low self-esteem, chant positive affirmations and do workbook exercises to try to raise it. After a few tries, we both gave up on the project. Twenty-five years later, therapists still want to raise their clients' self-esteem, thinking that in some magical way it will help them resolve their problems. It still makes no sense to me. Self-esteem, in my opinion, is not the key to helping people change or even feel better. Self-esteem, which is simply having a good opinion of yourself, is what happens when people do things differently, so that they have something to be proud of and begin to live more productive and fulfilling lives. How do people learn to do that? There are many ways used by psychotherapists. One way is to help people think differently. Cognitive therapy helps people weigh and analyze their own thinking, refute what is illogical and irrational, and use both logic and common sense in making decisions and judgments. Another way is to assist clients in examining their own history, as well as what contributed to their painful feelings, and learn to make new decisions and behave in new ways. Therapists have many different strategies for helping clients separate themselves from the self-defeating lives they have been living which contributed to their low self-esteem, and forge a new path which will ultimately lead to feelings of self-worth. The common factor in the success of all of these therapies, however, is the behavior change that the client is willing to implement. What has never seemed sensible to me is the idea that a therapist can influence a client's self-esteem without the client's willingness to accomplish something in his life, even if that just means finishing school, or being a better parent, or looking for productive work. By far the best way for anyone to develop good self-esteem is to be lucky enough to be born to good parents who know instinctively that children need to be loved and praised as well as held accountable. People who make their way into the therapist's office complaining of low self-esteem, among other things, have usually had parents who were either harsh, critical and unloving, or parents who did not expect much out of them and never demanded that they accomplish anything. My father was one who got the parenting balance right. He was a great listener and a gentle teacher. I knew he loved me and would be there for me when I needed him. But he never let me get away with anything, and even though at times I thought he went overboard, like the time he put me on restriction for getting a B in English, I have accomplished a great deal in my life because he expected me to. During my entire childhood and adolescence, for example, my father never once said "if you go to college," he always said "when you go to college." The simple substitution of the word "when" for the word "if" sent a loud and clear message that he expected me to continue my education past high school. My father also influenced me in how I raised my children. A few weeks ago my youngest son graduated from college. As the baby of the family, he had been the recipient of an enormous amount of love, but perhaps not high enough expectations. Like his siblings, he skated by with very little effort in grade school, relying on his intelligent mind, but never willing to break a sweat for a grade. For a while when he was in high school, I was worried that he wouldn't change his laid back ways, so I had a little heart-to-heart talk with him (actually it was more like a stern lecture) about the importance of effort. I must have said what he instinctively knew, because from that point on he hit the books and when he graduated last month, with a degree in journalism, he could brag that he wrote for the school newspaper, had his own radio show on campus, wrote articles for several magazines, including one national magazine, had and still has his own band that plays in local clubs, has his own web magazine, helped to put himself through college, has a beautiful and talented girlfriend and is one of the nicest young men you could ever meet. His self-esteem is high, not because I told him how wonderful he is, but because he has earned it. Self-esteem is a great gift parents can give their children and therapists can give their clients. We give it to them by by being loving and accepting, but also by insisting that they live up to their abilities and get to work contributing to the world. There's only one glitch in this whole self-esteem equation, however. Studies show that one population with unusually high self-esteem is the population of incarcerated men. These are often men who have been abused and therefore not given one of the main ingredients of self-esteem: parental love. They have also accomplished very little, other than to become successful at a life of crime. Because this gives them a certain status among their peers, it may seem as good to them as being a high paid lawyer might to someone else. Some have suggested that these men don't have true self-esteem; they have instead something called inflated self-esteem, overblown and full of hot air. In other words, underneath the boastful ego is a person full of self-loathing. Never having worked with a prison population, I'm not sure if that's true or not. What I do believe is that these men never learned to care for the feelings and rights of others. So while they may have a high opinion of themselves, that isn't enough for them to function well in society. They may be successful criminals for a time, but sooner or later most of them end up confined to a small prison cell. This leads me to an important principle. Self-esteem may be desirable, but it isn't the only thing, or possibly even the main thing, we should care about building in our children. Self-esteem without compassion and love for others on the planet is dangerous. So while parents are loving their children, and teaching them to be productive and hard-working so that they will have healthy self-esteem and live successful lives, they must also teach them to care about those around them, and to behave in ways that benefit others as well as themselves. Equipped with both self-esteem and the capacity to love and care for others, our children will not only be mentally healthy and successful, they will help to make the world a healthier and more gentle one. |