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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
THE BEST PARENTS: DISCIPLINARIANS OR NURTURERS 2004-06-13 Sean is three and a half now and is entering the preschool years. He's passed all the important hurdles: learning to walk and talk, use the toilet and feed himself. For the most part he's a happy little boy, curious and full of energy, but occasionally, like all children, he becomes a miniature monster. Well, not really a monster. As his grandmother I could never really think of him as anything less than perfect, but occasionally his behavior has his mother stumped and she wonders, I'm sure, what happened to her sweet boy. The other day, for instance, Sean pulled a little girl's hair and made her cry. On a separate occasion he screamed at this same girl, with whom he usually loves to play. Then, a few nights ago he was impossible to deal with. First he wanted to take a bath, then he didn't. Then he wanted to put his pajamas on, before he decided he didn't. Then he wanted daddy to put him to bed, but when daddy came into the room he screamed for mommy. My daughter called me the next morning and was completely beside herself. Always one to give her son choices and try to honor his feelings, she had no idea what to do when Sean couldn't make up his mind and she was unable to soothe his feelings. She finally decided to follow her maternal instincts and simply put him to bed even though he was still crying and upset. But she felt terribly guilty because her normal way of handling Sean didn't work and she had to resort to simply being tough. Parents, it often seems, tend to put themselves into one of two categories: the tough disciplinarian or the empathic nurturer. Tough disciplinarians recommend keeping their children on tight schedules and giving few choices. They say they are not as concerned about their children's feelings as they are about teaching them right from wrong. It's not that they love their children any less; it's just that they believe being consistent and firm is the best type of love they can show. They tend to look at lenient parents and think they are doing a disservice to their children. When in the presence of badly behaving children, they assume the parent is not disciplining adequately. The more nurturing type of parent tends to give more choices and likes to understand the reasons behind their children's behavior before they make a decision about how to handle things. The more empathic parent wants to soothe feelings rather then apply punishments and is apt to be less disciplined herself about schedules, adapting to the child's rhythm rather than expecting the child to adapt to hers. This type of parent tends to look at the tough parent as too strict and sees some misbehavior as the result of parents not being understanding enough. I think a combination of the two parenting styles actually works best. I always tried to understand what was behind my children's tantrums or whining or fear before I took any action. It always seemed to me that if you simply paid attention and asked yourself a few questions about what might have set off some troublesome behavior in a child, you could better help them learn to manage not only the tantrum, but the important issues of life. What is a tantrum, after all, but an inability to handle one's feelings about something? When a child has a tantrum, the parent ought to try to understand what brought it on, help the child calm down, and then figure out how to prevent such behavior in the future by teaching the child how to handle the jealousy, or the frustration over the inability to do or have something, that set off the tantrum. At other times, all the empathy in the world won't get a child to go to bed, or eat their dinner, or share their toys or stop hitting their sister. Then, a parent must resort to firmness and refuse to put up with any nonsense. We have many tasks as parents. One of them is to teach children right from wrong. Another is to help them handle their own feelings as they encounter the realities of life. Order and discipline help them do the right thing and make life simpler for parents. If children always eat, play, bathe, and go to bed at the same time, both parents and children know what to expect and children learn to go along. This is the parenting style many experts and a lot of parents recommend. But if parents don't adhere to as strict a schedule or if they give their children some choices, while there may be struggles from time to time as children push the limits, those parents who are emotionally intelligent can teach their children a great deal about handling feelings. They can also demonstrate that love and understanding from parents doesn't mean children get to do everything they want to do. My daughter tends to be the nurturing type of parent, trying to understand her child's misbehavior before applying a punishment. In the case of the hair pulling and the yelling at a playmate, she realized that Sean was being bullied and bossed around by the little girl. This provided her with an opportunity to teach Sean how to be assertive and speak up when he doesn't like the way his playmate is acting, and at the same time learn that hair pulling and yelling is not appropriate behavior. If she had simply spanked him or sent him to a time out without understanding what was behind his misbehavior, she could not have helped him learn how to handle a bully. On the other hand, when Sean was tired and out of sorts a few nights ago, she learned that patience and understanding don't always help, and she implemented a firm parenting strategy. Because there are advantages to being disciplined as well as being empathic, it has been my observation that the best parents tend to combine the two styles, regardless of what they say they do. Even though these two sets of parents profess to have different parenting philosophies, on a day to day basis many of them actually do similar things. Both hug and kiss their children; both soothe their hurt feelings; both try to tune into their child's moods; both try to decode their children's odd behaviors and both use discipline strategies when understanding isn't enough. And the children of the best parents, whether those parents profess to be disciplinarians or nurturers, know they are loved, and that is by far the most important thing. |