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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
RELAX: IT'S ONLY TOILET TRAINING 2004-02-14 Nothing, and I mean nothing, can make a parent feel like a failure as much as a three year old child. For years I have advised parents to avoid power struggles with their small children because invariably they will either lose or become engaged in a screaming battle that makes them feel and look like they have regressed to their own childhoods. Toddlers have the amazing ability to outlast a parent in trying to have their own way or in simply refusing to do it your way. My daughter is finding this out as she is currently toilet training her son. Sean did fine for a few days and now has decided he doesn't like the potty and, regardless of the incentives offered by his mother, is stubbornly resisting her efforts to bring him one step closer to civilization. As a result, she questions herself and wonders what she is doing wrong. The fact is, she is doing nothing wrong; she is simply up against a pro. Now there are many books of advice on toilet training and many mothers, grandmothers and nosy neighbors who are full of advice about what to do. I have offered her occasional suggestions, but I have also honestly told her that my efforts at toilet training my own children are a blur. "All of you learned to use the toilet at some point," I told her yesterday, "but I honestly don't remember how I went about training you. And I honestly don't know any adults, or even five year olds for that matter, who haven't learned to keep their pants dry, so don't worry about it too much." Actually, although I don't remember details of toilet training, I do remember the parenting philosophy I ultimately adopted when it comes to teaching certain things: give it your best and if it becomes a battle, let it go for a few days or weeks and then try again. Learning theorists and psychologists would probably argue with me, but most of them haven't raised four children and don't know how strong the will of a three year old can be. The way I see it is this: children have an unfair advantage over parents. Parents must take an uncivilized being, teach it all the ways of civilization, and survive the process. Parents, particularly mothers, also spend a great deal of time worrying about whether or not they are doing the right things in raising their children. Freud and his followers only made that worse by blaming mothers for the neuroses of their children. So everyday, in homes across America, mothers of small children fear they are not mothering correctly. At the same time, children are small bundles of needs and emotions and aren't at all interested in whether or not they are behaving as children should behave. They don't care one whit about how mommy feels or whether they are doing childhood correctly. So they have a distinct advantage. When a battle begins they can release torrents of emotion, throwing their whole body into it, with the singular goal of resisting. Half way through the tantrum, they may not even remember why they are resisting, but they simply have a momentum going that they are unable to stop. In the meantime, mom is trying to reason with her child, first talking to him, then raising her voice, possibly even screaming, and finally backing off with pangs of guilt and self-doubt. Score one for junior! So, back to my advice not to engage in power struggles, at least not unless you have a chance of winning and not unless it's really necessary. There are times, of course, you must insist on your way, when giving in would leave the child in danger or when something must be done, like keeping the child out of the street, or going to the doctor or leaving a playmate's house when it's time to go home. There are at least three things, however, you cannot force a child to do: eat, sleep or go to the bathroom. You can sit a child at the table but you cannot make him swallow the food; you can insist a child stay in his bed, but only he can get himself to sleep; and you can put a child on the potty seat, but he must use his muscles to deposit something in it. He must also decide not to continue to wet and soil his pants when he's not on the potty seat. These are, of course, the three things that cause parents the most grief and result in the most power struggles. To help parents of toddlers return to sanity I have often suggested throwing out the parenting books and simply using the four R's: REMOVE, RESTRAIN, REDIRECT, REINFORCE. REMOVE things from children that you don't want them to have and remove them from situations and places you don't want them to be. RESTRAIN them when they are moving in directions that are dangerous and when they try to hit or kick others. REDIRECT them to things that are safe and appropriate through distraction and enticement. REINFORCE their efforts to be civilized and well behaved through praise, attention and occasionally material items. There is a fifth R, however, which is something to keep in mind when trying to tackle difficult parenting tasks like toilet training: RELAX! It will happen eventually. He won't have to wear diapers in kindergarten, I promise. |