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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
LESSON FROM SEAN: FINDING A LITTLE COURAGE 2004-02-03 My three year old grandson Sean came to visit yesterday with his mother and baby sister. Sean brought his current favorite toys with him: Thomas the Tank Engine and three other tiny wooden engines. Sean loves his trains and plays with them constantly. He will sit for hours making the trains move around the wooden tracks as he imitates the familiar whistle and chugging sound of old steam engines. Yesterday, he insisted I play with him, and handed me two of his four engines as he said "Grammy, make them go "wooh, wooh, chugga, chugga," which I obediently did. Later in the day his mother got out a new "Thomas" video and we all sat down to watch it. At first Sean seemed interested, but as the music began he jumped into Grampy's lap and turned his head away. He said "I don't want to watch it." It was obvious he was frightened, which puzzled his mother who assured us they had often read the story dramatized on the video and watched many other "Thomas" videos at home. Nevertheless, it was obvious that Sean was frightened. My first instinct was to say "we don't have to watch this now" and wait until Sean was more inclined to watch it, but my wise daughter outvoted me. She insisted her little son come over and sit on her lap and she refused to turn off the video. Slowly and softly she reassured her little boy that there was nothing to fear, talking him through each scene and reminding him that he knew the stories well. Within a few minutes he conquered whatever anxiety he had and was enjoying the little trains as they learned from their misadventures. I still don't know what Sean was afraid of. He never explained it to us and perhaps he himself didn't know. Sometimes we humans are fearful for what seems no reason. There were certainly scenes in the video that were somewhat scary. There were crashes and mishaps, although to an adult mind that knows the difference between an animated train and a real person, it seemed harmless enough. But then Thomas and his fellow engines and train cars all have names and faces that show expression. The narrator tells us that they talk to each other, so to a three year old, they are real creatures with feelings. Sean, like his mother, has an overabundance of empathy. Unlike his little sister, who at eight months seems fearless, Sean has also always been a little tentative and cautious. Recognizing this trait of her own in her son, Sean's mother wants to give him a good start in developing courage. So, unlike Grammy who would have given in to Sean's fear and taught him nothing of value, Sean's mommy knew best when she gently but firmly insisted he challenge his fear. Helping children face their fears and develop courage is one of the jobs of parents. Often it is the father who does this rather than the mother whose protective instincts can overrule her better judgment. But whether it is mom or dad or both who help their children develop courage, courage is one of the most important traits we can instill in our children. As a psychotherapist, I know how pervasive problems of anxiety are in our culture. I have worked with hundreds of clients who were diagnosed with panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and various phobias. These can be crippling problems that severely limit one's quality of life. While the current popular treatment for anxiety disorders is medication, the fact is that a certain amount of anxiety is built into the human species. Anxiety is a survival mechanism that warns us when we are in danger. However, sometimes it overcomes us and gives us false warnings, making it difficult to know when to really be afraid and run away, or when to stay calm and ignore it. Whatever the research scientists may say about the origins of anxiety (and the fact is they can only speculate) I contend that parents who help their children face small fears, as my daughter did with Sean, will be raising them to be adults who have less anxiety to contend with and more courage to face the world. |