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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
MAKING LOVE, NOT WAR. PART ONE: LISTENING 2004-01-28 Prominent marriage researcher John Gottman has found that one of the strongest predictors of divorce is the failure of the husband to accept his wife's influence. He has noted in his study of thousands of couples that women are more willing to be influenced by their husbands, yet in couples who are headed for divorce court, husbands do not accept influence from their wives. Another way of saying this is that these husbands do not want to listen to their wives. I believe Gottman is on to something far more profound than even he may realize. It isn't just men headed to divorce court who have difficulty listening to women. Every man I have ever known has resisted to some extent being influenced by women and very few have mastered the art of listening to women. This isn't because women don't make themselves clear, or because women are too emotional, as some men insist, but because for some reason men have a hard time taking direction from women (perhaps it goes back to the days when they were small children and had to be under the control of their mothers). I have seen far too much of this in my own life. My husband, whom I love dearly, has on many occasions tended to question or resist my suggestions. In meetings, many of my male colleagues brush off suggestions from female colleagues and some even have to have the last word in any discussion. Many of the couples I saw in marriage counseling showed this pattern as well. The husband was much more resistant to the wife's ideas than she was to his. In the worst marriages, the ones on the verge of divorce, it was as if the man continually pulled rank on the woman and overruled her recommendations. Recently, this theme was beautifully enacted in the movie ÒIn the BedroomÓ with Sissy Spacek and Tom Wilkinson as a middle aged couple struggling with their own relationship in the aftermath of their only son's death. Although most reviews don't pick up on this aspect of Ruth and Matt's relationship, focusing more on the problems which accompany their grief, a study of their relationship before the tragedy reveals a man who refuses to be influenced by his wife, and a wife who swallows her words and adapts to her husband's decisions over and over again. We learn, for example, that Ruth wanted more than one child and yet she gave up that desire, deferring to Matt's preference. We see her trying to tell Matt of her concerns about Frank's doomed relationship and and we watch Matt brush them off. We watch as she tries to get Matt to call the police after Frank has been beaten up and we see him refuse to do so. Time and again, Matt does not accept Ruth's influence and will not honor her worries or requests. He does it civilly, for the most part, but he does it nonetheless and the daily negation of her feelings and wishes builds to a climactic scene where both partners explode in a rage at each other. Unfortunately, the women's movement, which was at least partly an attempt to get men to finally hear women, ended up making some things worse. Many men have disdain for Òfeminists,Ó seeing them as trying to denigrate men (which some, unfortunately are) and trying to intrude on their territory. And many feminists have become harsh and critical of men without trying to understand how we all suffer when men and women are at war with each other. We may differ on how to change the situation in our culture so that men and women can work together as equal partners and finally put an end to gender inequality. But there really is only one way to overcome the problem of men not listening to women in personal relationships. The way to overcome this is not to become harsh, defensive, accusatory or angry. The way to handle it is to first understand each other. Women would be wise to see their husbands as not listening to them out of habit , as well as years of family and cultural influence, rather than because of some evil intention. Men would be wise to accept the fact that their wives may have something valuable to contribute to the conversation and that they are not trying to control or overrule them. In the movie ÒIn the Bedroom,Ó Ruth simply gave up trying to influence Matt and internalized her frustration and anger, letting it fester until a time when she exploded in a rage. Another woman might have continually screamed at Matt Òyou never listen to me.Ó Neither strategy is effective. When a woman makes a suggestion to a man and he dismisses it, as Matt did so often to Ruth, she can simply say ÒI really don't want to be disagreeable or turn into a nag, but I would like for you to take a minute and really hear what I said. Perhaps we can come to a mutual agreement on what to do.Ó Then the man can take a deep breath, remind himself that his wife is not trying to pull rank on him, and simply hear what she has to say. Rather than instantly dismissing her, he could ask her a few questions to clarify her suggestion, take a few minutes to think it over and then work with her to find a solution they can both be happy with. This takes effort and practice, but wouldn't it be an improvement over constant anger and fighting? And wouldn't we all rather, as they said in the sixties, Òmake love, not war?Ó |