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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
MARRIAGE, LIKE LIFE, IS DIFFICULT 2004-01-16 My husband and I went car shopping over the weekend to get a more reliable vehicle for me to use when I teach sixty miles away and have to drive home at ten o'clock at night. Mu husband was concerned about the cost and I was concerned about things like comfort, size, and safety. He thought we might be happy with a small SUV so we went to investigate. After driving it, I didn't feel it would suit our needs and so we looked at two other vehicles: a larger SUV and a minivan. My preference, if there had been no cost difference, would have been the SUV, but I could tell (even without his voicing his opinion) that he preferred we buy the less expensive minivan. This has been a common theme in our marriage. I go for the slightly more expensive items, being willing to tweak the budget because I believe we will be happier in the long run, while he prefers we spend less and adjust our expectations and needs. Neither way is right or wrong; they're simply different views, typical of the types of differences married couples encounter over the years. As we sat in the showroom contemplating our choices, the salesman made his big pitch. He listened to my reasoning as well as my husband's and decided to play marriage counselor, not knowing, of course, that marriage counseling is my profession. He looked me in the eyes and said with the practiced sincerity car salesman are so good at "All husbands want their wives to be happy. If you want the SUV, I'm sure your husband wants you to have it." My husband and I looked at each other and laughed out loud. "Nice try," I told him. "I happen to be a marriage counselor and I can only wish that all husbands wanted so much for their wives to be happy that they would always give them what they wanted. But it doesn't work that way. It can't just be me getting what I want. What he wants has to matter too." I looked at my smiling husband and said "We'll take the minivan." Scott Peck, the bestselling author of "The Road Less Traveled" begins his book with the statement "Life is difficult." We could easily add that "Marriage is difficult" which, unfortunately, is something few people are prepared for. Why is marriage difficult? For so many reasons: because the intoxication of romance fades; because sharing and sacrifice is difficult; because joint decisions on all the major issues of life are hard to reach; because even the nicest person gets grumpy and angry and depressed and annoyed and annoying at times; because people change over time and the person you married twenty years ago may not be the person you wake up next to today; because people like friends and relatives, radio talk show hosts and car salesmen try to tell you what to do and how to act as a couple. If I have learned anything in my 36 years of marriage and 25 years as a marriage counselor it's that marriage is a complicated relationship and everyone's marriage is different. It isn't as simple as believing that men are from one planet and women from another or that communication solves everything or that you should have sex a certain number of times a week. For a marriage to be successful two people have to work hard to find a formula that works for them. In general, it will mean sacrifice, kindness, caring, patience and acceptance, but occasionally it will mean going toe to toe until you reach an understanding. Scott Peck goes on to say that once we accept the fact that life is difficult, it is no longer difficult. Once we realize life is work and requires the solving of daily problems, we can move ahead and solve them. The same is true of marriage. Once we accept that it is more than just "falling in love," that it involves getting up after the fall and working hard, we can get on with creating the kind of partnership we want. My husband and I have figured out how to make sure we're both happy with a decision, but it took many years for us to get there. It hasn't always been easy, but it's been more than worth the struggle. If I were to give one piece of advice to couples contemplating making those vows of "till death do us part" I would rephrase Scott Peck. "Marriage is difficult" I would say, "but once you know it's difficult and accept the challenge, it no longer has to be difficult." |