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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
A FABLE FOR SEAN 2003-11-25 Well, it's finally happened. Sean came down from his sweetness pedestal and became a real boy, complete with temper tantrums and manifestations of sibling rivalry. We knew it would happen, but Sean is so loved and has such a naturally sweet temperament, that I think all of us, including Sean's mother, thought maybe Sean would just skip over the normal nasties that accompany being two and a half. I guess we could also chalk this new behavior up to stress. Sean has endured several recent upheavals and maybe they finally took their toll. First, Sean had to cope with a mommy who was on bed rest for two months and couldn't play with him and take him to the park like she had before. Then, Sean had to share mommy and daddy with a little sister who got a bunch of attention from a lot of people. Then Sean had to leave his house to move into a new, bigger house. Within just the past week Sean finally let us know he has had enough by becoming stubborn and mischievous. He doesn't want to do anything mommy wants him to do, whether it's eating, getting dressed, using the potty or coming inside after he's had a morning of outdoor play. His favorite expression these days when he's in one of his negative moods is: "Just go away." Actually it comes out more like "Dus go way." Sometimes his words are accompanied by a little shove and sometimes he goes into his bedroom, lays down on the floor and braces his legs against the door so you can't get in. He also has started showing his jealousy towards his six month old sister. He occasionally pushes her, has been caught feeding her styrofoam, and once put a bucket over her head, which elicited loud screams from his victim. Yesterday he bit her arm. I feel so much empathy for both Sean and his parents. Sean is out of sorts, having to cope with the realities of life, change and a younger sibling who steals attention from him. He has some tough learning ahead. Sean's parents, on the other hand, are entering a new phase of parenting that requires some toughness and acting against their instincts which are only to love and protect their little boy. They will have to find a balance between continuing to assure Sean he is loved and cherished and teaching him that he cannot do everything he wants. They also have to help him learn that when he is sad or angry or disappointed, he can only express those feelings in certain ways. This is one of the toughest tasks of parents, teaching children that their emotions are normal and acceptable, but that all expressions of those feelings are not. As I have reminded many parents over the years of my work as a psychotherapist, emotional outbursts in a two year old may be normal, but they're not in a twenty year old, thus some learning must take place between the ages of two and twenty. It is a parent's job to teach a child what to do with anger, disappointment and frustration, and it doesn't include covering your sister's head with a bucket. If Sean's parents are intimidated by his emotional outbursts and try to placate him, he will learn that his tantrums have a payoff. If, on the other hand, they yell at him or tell him he can't be angry, they may teach him to stifle his feelings temporarily and then explode later. Neither of these scenarios is a good one. So what is the best course of action? How can parents handle tantrums without squashing a child's feelings or his self-image? How does one overcome the misbehavior that results from jealousy of a sibling? It's a delicate balance and there is no one answer. The important thing is to continue to give attention to the older child even when the new baby is demanding a lot of time and allow some expression of feeling but set limits ("you may shout in your room but not in the kitchen" or "you may run around in the backyard and kick the ball but you may not kick your sister" or "tell me with words, not with screams"). It's important to continue to reassure the older child that he is loved and that may mean setting aside special uninterrupted time with mom or dad on a regular basis. I used to take my three year old daughter to a tea room once a month. We'd dress up and have a special lunch and she would not only have my undivided attention, but feel special because she was so grown up. She'd be back to her sweet self for about three weeks and then we'd have to do it again. One of the best ways to help children between the ages of two and four, who are out of sorts because of a new sibling, a big change or just normal development, is to tell them a story about what they're going through, with an ending that helps them learn something about life. The story will need to be repeated many times and parents will know they're telling a helpful story when the child asks them to tell it again and again. If I were Sean's mommy, I might tell him the following fable: "Once upon a time there was a little boy who lived in a little house with his mommy and daddy. He had a little bed in a little room where he played with all his toys. His mommy took him on walks and to the park and she let him paint and color and play with play dough. He was very happy. Then one day mommy went away for a couple days and brought home a new baby. The baby was a girl and everybody came to visit her. At first, he thought she was very cute and he told his mommy he loved her. She slept a lot and didn't bother him very much. He and mommy still played together and sometimes took walks, but not as much as before. After a little while, mommy and daddy told the little boy that they were going to move to a new house. Mommy and daddy took the little boy to see the house and he thought it was very big. He decided he wanted to stay in the little old house but mommy and daddy moved all his things to the big new house anyway. After a few days he decided he liked the big new house but then something else started to happen. His little sister began to move around and use his things. First, she sat in his old walker, then she slept in his old crib, then mommy put her in his old high chair. She started making a lot of noise and sometimes she was sick and mommy had to hold her all day. Then they didn't get to play together very much. His little sister even got to sleep in mommy and daddy's bed. He wasn't sure if he liked her anymore. Maybe mommy and daddy could just take her back to the place where they got her. One day, when he was feeling sad, he leaned over and put his teeth on her arm. She screamed and mommy was so unhappy when she saw what he did that she told the little boy to go to his room. At first he screamed and yelled for his mommy to come back, but finally he got tired of yelling and started playing with his toys. When he had been quiet for a while, mommy came back and said "Let's talk." She sat in the rocking chair and let the little boy sit on her lap. She put her arms around him and said "I love you more than anyone else in the whole world, and I love your sister too. I would be sad if anyone hurt you and I'm sad when anyone hurts your sister. I know you feel bad sometimes that we don't get to spend all our time playing together, but I want you to know I will always love you and we will still have lots of times to play. I won't let you hurt your sister, though, so I don't want you to do that again." The little boy snuggled up to his mommy and said he wouldn't do it again. Then the mommy and the little boy went into the kitchen and had cookies and milk, while the little sister, who couldn't eat cookies because she had no teeth yet, could only watch them and wonder what they were doing." |