| |
 |
 |
 |
Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
PARENTING TIME VS. MARRIAGE TIME 2003-08-14 A colleague and I were discussing my article "New Parent Woes" the other day and he made a statement that I disagreed with. He said "Even when you have children, you have to put your marriage first." You may be surprised that I disagree with this statement, especially since it is repeated often by marriage "experts" and advice columnists like "Dear Abby." However, I tend to resist such pop psychology phrases, mostly because they oversimplify things that should be looked at far more carefully. Marriage is a complex relationship and when children come along, the complexity quadruples. Spouses can no longer just think of themselves and each other, but have to take into account the constant needs of the small beings who are dependent on them. With young children around, it is not only impossible to always put one's marriage first, it is wrong. Here's why. Small children cannot meet their own survival needs. For quite a number of years parents must provide food, clothing, shelter, safety and education to their relatively helpless (in comparison to other species) offspring. Frequently a parent has to put his or her needs or wants (even wants or needs related to the marriage) on hold to take care of the needs of a child. Even older children and teenagers have needs that can only be met by a parent: transportation; health care; schooling; financial support; moral training etc. Because our society makes parents responsible for their children until those children reach the age of eighteen, and because we live in a complex culture where children have countless emotional, behavioral, physical and moral lessons to learn and tasks to master, it is simply impossible to always put the marriage first. As a result, spouses will spend many years putting their needs and wants second to the needs of their children. That doesn't mean gratifying every want of a child, it just means doing what a good parent does to raise a healthy, civilized, courteous and responsible child. This takes time and energy and a level of maturity on the part of both parents. That maturity means the ability to delay their own gratification. Parents are supposed to be adults. By the time they have children it is hoped that they know how to put their wants and needs on hold temporarily to care for those who are dependent on them. For those who lack maturity at the time they become parents, the birth of a child can be the chance to finally grow up. Parenthood can be the test, therefore, of a person's capacity for maturity. Those who learn how to sacrifice for their children make good parents. Those who learn to work together as a parenting team do even better. On the other hand, those who continue to demand that their own needs and wants come first will not succeed as parents and are likely to hurt their children. Parenthood is a time of change in marriage. Couples are no longer just romantic partners but parenting partners. Sometimes, instead of going out for a romantic evening, they will have to be home taking care of sick children. But the joys and travails of parenting can also work to cement the marital relationship. Working together to care for children (rather than being resentful of one spouse's attention to the children) can add a whole new dimension to marriage. None of this is meant to imply that you ought to ignore your spouse or your marriage when children come along. Many a marriage has died from neglect. But it is crucial to realize that marriage changes drastically when children are born, and finding time to spend with your spouse may call for a little more creativity and a lot more patience. The best advice I can give to a spouse who feels abandoned or deprived because his/her spouse spends so much time attending to the children is to join in and help. It is frequently the case that a spouse who spends a majority of time with the children does so mainly because the other spouse isn't carrying his/her part of the parenting load. The remedy for this is to become a helpful insider rather than a pouting, unhappy outsider. Many a spouse has learned that marriages are renewed when the one who complains that his/her spouse is too wrapped up with the children stops complaining and starts helping. So to my colleague I would say "Your marital relationship is AS IMPORTANT AS your relationship with your children" or "Even when you are raising children it is wise to make time for your spouse." It is important to make that time to keep your marriage strong for the benefit of the two of you as well as for the benefit of your children. All things being equal, children would prefer to have two loving parents raising them rather than live in a battle zone or a one parent household. In addition, a strong marital relationship presents a crucial example to children. But so does the ability to sacrifice some of your own wants for those who are dependent on you. So while I encourage parents to make time for each other whenever possible, and learn to work as a parenting team, I would also remind them that being an adult means you have to have patience and learn to sacrifice some of your own desires to take care of children who can't take care of themselves. I would not join the chorus of those who simply say "You have to put your marriage first." It just doesn't make sense to me. |