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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
BEES AND QUICKSAND 2003-07-25 When I returned from my vacation this year I noticed that several of my rose bushes had perfect circular cutouts in the foliage, as if in my absence some mischievous child had wandered through the garden and wreaked havoc with a large hole punch. Now because I love a mystery almost as much as I hate holes in my roses, I was determined to fund the culprit. I knew, of course, that it had to be the work of an insect, but which one? My first thought was snails, but snails aren't that tidy. I considered the various types of caterpillars, but they too generally leave irregular holes. I was still sleuthing in the garden when I heard the persistent drone of bees at work near my Lavender, which was in bloom. Could the leaf circles be the work of bees? I went to my gardening books and there it was: Leaf Cutter Bees who cut circles in leaves and carry them away to cushion their nests. Apparently they particularly like rose leaves and while they leave unattractive holes, they don't hurt the plant itself. Now that the mystery was solved, I knew what to do and what not to do. I didn't have to rush to the nursery to find a pesticide and I didn't have to worry about the health of my plants. I simply had to get used to funny looking rose bushes. The work of a parent, like the work of a gardener, often involves solving small mysteries. When a child is born, one of the first things neophyte parents must do is learn to decode the distress signals of their infant. Is it a hunger cry, a wet diaper cry, a cry of colic? As the child grows older, parents attempt to understand childish behavior and emotions so that they can respond appropriately. Is cranky behavior the result of overstimulation and fatigue or is it illness? In one case the solution may be a nap or an early bedtime, in the other a trip to the doctor or some Tylenol. If there is misbehavior based on childish narcissism or inability to control emotions, a moral lesson may be called for. Usually an attentive, curious parent can solve the mystery. I was faced with solving such a mystery when my children were much younger and we were planning a week long vacation to a beach resort. Two of the children were anticipating the week with great excitement, but my five year old son insisted he did not want to go. No matter how much we questioned him, he would not reveal the secret of his reluctance, but only became more adamant about not going. His father and I spent a considerable amount of time reassuring him that he would have a wonderful time, and he seemed to relax a bit. When we were all in the car and on our way to the resort, however, he renewed his protest. We all reminded him of the exciting things we would be doing, but he crossed his arms, furrowed his brow and said loudly "You can't make me go out on the beach. I'm staying in the hotel room." We decided to let him pout quietly in the back seat for the next hour. Maybe if we didn't press him, he would tell us what he was afraid of. When we pulled into the parking lot of the resort he turned to his older brother and whispered "Is there quicksand on this beach?" He had apparently seen a television show about "quicksand," knew there was "sand" on the beach and didn't know the difference between the two. All this time he had been afraid he would fall into quicksand. Because he was a very proud little boy, however, he had kept this to himself. Now that we had arrived at the resort, he swallowed his pride and spoke up. That finally enabled us to give him the information he needed. There was no quicksand on San Diego beaches. Children give us subtle and not so subtle clues to solve the mysteries of their behavior if only we pay attention and take the time to understand. What a shame it would have been if I had gotten angry at my son, or punished him because of his stubbornness, when all I really needed to do was believe there was a reason for his fear and wait until he was ready to reveal it. |