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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
LESSON FROM SEAN: GROWING UP 2003-06-11 Sean became a big brother on June 2nd, and in one 48 hour period his life changed enormously. We all know that the birth of a sibling reorganizes the family, changes all the relationships and upsets the oldest and only child more than anyone. In an instant he has to learn to share his parents with someone else, be more patient, give up his throne as king of the household and grow up a great deal. It isn't an easy thing to ask of a two year old and although Sean has had his moments of pain, he is progressing nicely. Sean's mother and father had prepared him for the birth of Grace, but how much does a two year old really understand? Sean, after all, had never spent one night away from his mother. So when he woke up at 11:00 p.m. on Monday night and found his grandparents asleep, instead of his parents, he was obviously confused and upset. He ran crying back into his bedroom and buried his face in his pillow, wondering, I suppose, if the next time he looked up, mommy might magically be there. When he finally did look up and saw his Grammy standing next to his bed, he was understandably still upset. No amount of verbal preparation was helping with his middle of the night disorientation. So Sean spent the next three hours in the living room, with Grammy, struggling to cope with something he didn't understand. My heart broke as I observed him jabbering to himself, giving himself unintelligible pep talks, and distracting himself with toy after toy as he waited, I suspect, for mommy to come home or the sun to come up so he could visit her. The tears were ever at the ready, behind his brave little smile, but he hung in there. I kept reminding him of what mommy had told him, that she had to stay for a little while with the baby but that she would be home soon. Eventually, I could no longer keep my eyes open and readied myself for a battle to get Sean back in his bed. He continued his protest, but was tired enough by then to give in and go to sleep, especially when I told him we would go to see mommy when he woke up. In the morning, he was in a good mood and seemed resigned to the fact that mommy was at the hospital. He was eager to go see her. When we got to the hospital he was very excited and gave his mommy many hugs and kisses. He also tickled his baby sister and enthusiastically grabbed her head to kiss her. (He is slowly learning to be gentle.) Soon, he was happily playing with the phone and the bed controls, laughing as he made the head and foot of the bed go up and down. He was not happy to leave when it was time to go, but was able to be convinced, and with each new experience surrounding his sister's birth, was learning the skills to handle the disappointments and frustrations of life. There are many important lessons children must learn as they grow into full participation in the human community. Among these lessons are that life isn't perfect, that they can't have everything they want, and that bad things sometimes happen. As they begin to learn these things, they must also learn to cope with sadness and fear. This is something parents, grandparents, teachers and other significant adults help children learn mostly through encouragement and empathy and sometimes by gently setting limits. When children are experiencing fear, disappointment, or sadness they need a strong adult who can be flexible and understanding. This is a different tactic than one used by parents when a child is misbehaving, say by taking another child's toy, or hitting a playmate, or having a tantrum at the dinner table. When children are misbehaving, the important thing is to be consistent and sometimes stern, act quickly to halt the misbehavior and thus help the child learn a lesson about civility. When children's tender feelings are hurt, however, strictness is not what is called for. If I had simply insisted my distraught grandson stay in bed, forcing him back into bed if necessary, while he cried for his mommy, he might have eventually complied; I might have taught him to fear me and we both would have gotten more sleep. But I would have missed an important opportunity to help Sean learn to handle his feelings. Instead, I sat with him as he visibly struggled to comprehend and be brave. Those three hours in the middle of the night were part of a small ritual taking a little boy from baby to big brother. As it happened, Sean gained a good amount of strength and courage and maturity while I only lost a few hours of sleep. I think that was a good trade off. |