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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
TEACHING CHILDREN TO UNDERSTAND OR REACT 2003-03-27 One day when my youngest son Jeffrey was 6 years old, he came home from kindergarten very distraught. Another child at school was behaving badly, bullying him and some of the other children. While his first response was one of anger, his second one was that of curiosity. "Why is he acting that way?" he asked me as we drove home from school. I was honest and told him that while I didn't know for certain why the boy was being mean to his fellow classmates, I could tell him some of the reasons children act this way. I went on to say that some children are teased at home by older brothers and sisters and that leads them to tease and act cruelly to others. Others are unhappy for some reason. Their parents may be fighting or not paying attention to them. They may miss their parents who are working long hours. Or they may simply not have been taught how to treat other children. Jeffrey sat quietly in the back seat trying to make sense of this. "Well other people should be nicer to them so they'll be nicer to me" he said. I heartily agreed with my son, realizing he had inherited his mother's spirited sense of fairness. But I couldn't leave it there. When children present us with an opportunity to teach values, we need to move quickly before their short attention spans move them on to something else. "You're a lucky boy, Jeffrey" I began. "You have a mother and father who love you very much and are able to spend a lot of time with you. You also have a sister and two brothers who love you and treat you well. You've learned that it's important to treat other people with kindness." I knew that this was beginning to sound like a lecture, which is never a good idea with small children, so I only said one more thing. "Maybe you could tell your classmate that he would have more friends if he treated them nicer. Then, if he still behaves badly, you ought to stay away from him until he learns how to behave." He was quiet for a few minutes and then said "I'm just going to tell him to be nice." I told him I thought that was a good idea and we left it there. I debated with myself about whether to inform the teacher but I decided to wait and see what happened. Jeffrey never brought it up again so I asked him later how his classmate was acting. He said the teacher had talked to the boy and that they didn't play together much anymore so it wasn't really a problem. Some adults would not agree with my attempt to help Jeffrey understand his fellow student. They believe, instead, that it's important to teach children to stand up for themselves and hit back when someone hits them. For most parents, in fact, having a child who allows himself to be bullied is unacceptable. I can certainly see the value of teaching children to protect themselves. As parents, we can't always be there to shield our children from bullies and, because we want them to be safe, we may teach them strategies of self-defense. But some parents teach their children, especially their boys, to fight back for another reason. They don't want their sons to be seen as weak, effeminate, or "sissies." This, in my opinion, is not a good reason to teach children to defend themselves. Jeffrey is now 21 years old and, as far as I know, he has never been in a fight with another person. I don't know if the lesson I tried to teach him when he was in kindergarten is the reason for that, or if Jeffrey is just a natural pacifist. He certainly didn't like being bullied but, interestingly, his response was never one of wanting to strike back. More than anything he wanted to know "why." And since that day, Jeffrey and I have had numerous conversations which were concerned with understanding the motivations of others, especially others who are behaving badly. I wonder if many children go through a stage of wanting to know "why" or if some children are more likely to react aggressively to someone who hurts them. In either case, helping children understand other people's puzzling behavior ought to be an important part of their education. This isn't to offer excuses for bad behavior, but simply to slow down aggression and prepare children to be adults who negotiate from a position of understanding rather than act out of anger, revenge or even a desire not to be seen as weak. |