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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
YOU CAN LEAD A PICKY EATER TO THE DINNER TABLE... 2003-01-18 A parent sent me an e-mail recently asking me to write something about children who are picky eaters. In an era of concern about obesity, some might find this an unusual problem, yet it is actually quite common. There are many concerned mothers and fathers who worry that their child isn't eating enough. Sometimes, with small children, parents think chubbiness is a sign of health and so become alarmed when a child is slim. Or when a child is picky and only eats certain foods parents may become concerned that the child isn't getting the proper nutrition. Other times parents simply get tired of the dinnertime struggle with a child who doesn't want to eat what they prepare. Actually, most children who are healthy and who are offered nutritious foods will eat the correct amount. It isn't what or how much a child eats each day that is as important as what the child eats over a several day period. Children don't like to be hungry any more than adults do and will not starve themselves to death. (Although teenage girls will sometimes develop the very serious eating disorder of anorexia nervosa, this generally isn't the reason preschoolers and school age boys and girls don't eat.) If children don't eat much one day, they will probably make up for it the next. If they skip dinner, they will most likely be hungry at breakfast or lunch the next day and consume what they need. Eating is, after all, an instinctive activity. Hunger pangs alert us and generally cause us to look for food. This is true from birth onward. Infants cry when they're hungry and are born with a sucking reflex. Small children put everything in their mouths. These instinctive behaviors ensure that the new being will survive. In an otherwise normal child, eating problems don't usually begin until the child is able to assert his or her own will and engage a parent in power struggles. How the parent handles a child's pickiness or refusal to eat often determines whether the problem resolves itself fairly quickly or becomes an ongoing struggle. I always like to remind parents that there are three things you cannot make a child do: eat, sleep and go to the bathroom. You can make a child sit at the table and you can put food in front of him, but you cannot force food down his digestive tract. You can also put children in bed (sometimes over and over again) but you cannot force their brain waves to enter sleep mode. And of course, everyone who has ever toilet trained a toddler knows that children will use the toilet when they're ready to, not when a parent tells them to. In fact, it is in these three areas that children find they can exert much power. Remember, however, that it takes two to have a power struggle. If parents push too hard or become frustrated and angry, children often dig their heels in. If parents back off and show a little flexibility, it gives the child room to save face and possibly change her mind about eating. Most children who refuse to eat choose the dinner meal to do so. This is frequently because dinnertime is when children are likely to be offered foods they don't like. Most children eat foods at breakfast and lunch (cereal, waffles, pancakes, sandwiches, soup etc.) that they are familiar with and enjoy. In addition, such meals are readily available and easy for parents to prepare. Dinner, on the other hand, may be a more elaborate presentation with things like unfamiliar and odd looking vegetables or casseroles with mystery ingredients. Dinner is usually prepared with adult tastes in mind. This is the meal when children are expected to try new things and picky children naturally resist. Trying to force them to stay and eat ultimately leads to a battle of wills and most parents know children can win these battles. If we force children to sit at the table "until you eat something" we will get tired before they do. After all, we have a million other things we need to do. What do they have to look forward to after dinner? Homework? Bedtime? Typically, parents of problematic eaters will experience emotions of fear or frustration and then react in some way. Some will express concern and try to micromanage the child's eating. Others will punish a child for not eating by sending him to his room or depriving him of dessert. Still others will alternate between pleading and punishment. The end result is that the child knows that his refusal to eat gets a lot of attention. This usually makes the problem worse. The first thing we need to do as parents of a child who won't eat (yes, I had one child who was a picky eater too) is relax. Children who are otherwise healthy and active, doing well at school and getting along with friends, are probably getting enough to eat even if it doesn't seem like it to the parents. Many children eat one large meal and only pick at the other two, while some eat small meals but graze on snacks throughout the day. My picky eater rarely ate much for dinner (although he often had a fruit snack mid-afternoon) and by breakfast time he was ravenous, eating several helpings. Today he is a healthy, robust 31 year old who likes sushi. After relaxing and putting the problem in perspective, parents may still want to take some kind of action to encourage healthier eating. There a few strategies you can employ to accomplish this or, at the very least, make dinnertime less of a nightmare. One is to ask the picky eater to help plan meals. You may not always be willing to fix dinner just to please him, but you can incorporate a few of his favorites in a lot of meals. Another is to make mealtime fun by creating menus geared to the child's taste. You might have "Barbie barbecue beef" or "soccer stew." You could enlist the help of your picky eater in planning some of these meals. Even if his suggestions seem strange, test it out, model what you want from him and show him you're willing to try some of his choices. You can even have your child (if he or she is old enough) help you with simple aspects of meal preparation. You can also make simple rules about dinnertime. When anything new is offered, before the children are allowed to refuse to eat it, they must at least take one bite. ( It's a good idea when offering something new to also include something familiar so that if the child truly doesn't like the taste, there is something else to eat. ) You can also make a rule that even if the child doesn't eat, she must sit at the table and join in the family conversation. This way, even if she resists eating, the family has a pleasant time together. And sometimes taking the pressure off will gradually ease her into eating a little. These are just a few suggestions, but I have known many parents who used their own creativity to devise a unique strategy that worked for their child. Remember, if what you're doing to resolve a situation isn't working, it's time to try something else. Above all, relax, make your attempted solution fun and interesting and always enlist the help of the child. |