| |
 |
 |
 |
Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS 2003-01-10 While standing in line at the grocery store, I listened to a conversation between the checker and the box girl (who couldn't have been older than 18). "So, do you want to hear what happened yesterday? My boyfriend went out and bought a new car stereo without telling me. Do you know how much those stereos cost?" The checker acted embarrassed that this young girl was talking about personal business on the job and only answered a quiet "yes." "I can't believe he would do that," the girl continued, "when he knows we're trying to save for an apartment." The checker could no longer contain herself. "Is this the guy you're going to marry?" she asked with a cynical tone. Then, under her breath, " isn't this the same guy who cheated on you last month?" I couldn't help myself. I don't normally give my professional advice to strangers, but she had revealed her personal business to about half a dozen people at the check out stand, so why not? I knew a young woman in her situation would probably not listen to criticism of her boyfriend, so I used a different approach. "You're much too young to get married," I said. "Take your time." "The checker said "Haven't I been telling you that?" "I know," the box girl said. "I look fifteen." "Even if you're twenty," I continued, "you're too young to get married. What do your mother and father think about your plans to get married?" "My father?" she asked. "I haven't seen my father since I was two years old. I don't care what he thinks. My mom's okay with it." The box girl was silent and the checker shook her head. I left with my groceries. I wanted to say so much more. Like why she shouldn't be considering marriage to a young man who isn't ready for a commitment. He may have potential, but it hasn't yet been realized. And as my father says, "potential only counts if you're a basketball scout." This young man is more interested in things for his car than in saving for an apartment - which is normal for a guy his age - and she apparently thinks he's the only guy in the world. No woman should get married until she realizes her future husband is not the only guy in the world she could love, but that, after meeting many men, she is choosing him not only because she's in love with him, but also because he displays maturity, character and a willingness to commit himself to her. Too many woman settle for a man out of what seems to be desperation that they'll never find anyone else. It reminds me of the behavior of my grandson a few months ago. When he got his hands on something he shouldn't have, like a fork or a bug, he closed his eyes and screamed when his mommy took it away from him. His eyes were shut so tightly that he couldn't even see when she was giving him something to replace what she had taken away. He could only focus on what he was losing. Too many young women are like that - so focused on the man in front of them (no matter how bad he is for them) that they can't see the other men out there or even other possibilities - like an education, a career, a chance to grow up and be independent for a little while before settling down. I realized, though, that the absence of a father left this young woman vulnerable and desperate. It seems probable to me that she is looking for a man to love her because she doesn't have contact with the one man who is supposed to love her forever - her father. The importance of fathers to young men is widely recognized, but fathers are just as important to young women. While the father provides the role model for his son, he also provides a blueprint for the man his daughter will choose to marry. Over the twenty years I worked as a therapist I observed how difficult it was for many young girls to choose good men to date - and ultimately to marry - when they did not have a close relationship with their dads. It is the father who first teaches a young girl what to expect from a man. If he's strong and protective, she'll look for strength. If he's also loving and generous, she'll look for that. She won't tolerate selfishness and irresponsibility. On the other hand, if he's an alcoholic, she may gravitate to men who use substances, and if he's violent, she may unconsciously pick an abuser. As strange as it sounds, we tend to feel comfortable with what we know, even when it's harmful to us. One of the worst scenarios is when a father just disappears after a divorce. Too often I have listened to girls or young women who are desperate to have male attention and who jump from boyfriend to boyfriend just to be connected. Most of the time these boyfriends don't treat them well and are immature themselves. And when I am able to talk to fathers who have little contact with their daughters, they always tell me they stay away because it is too painful to stay in touch. Seeing their sons and daughters on a regular basis means having contact with an ex-wife and being reminded of what they have lost. (Do these fathers not consider the pain their child is feeling because of what the child has lost?) This is why fathers should do everything they can to continue a relationship with their daughters, even when parents are divorced, and even when it hurts. It's also why mothers should do all they can to encourage a positive relationship between fathers and daughters and why young women, intent on marrying, ought to evaluate their future husband's qualifications to be a good father himself. If this box girl does marry her boyfriend at this young age and have children with him, there's a good likelihood that he will repeat the pattern of her father and disappear, if not physically, then at least emotionally. If she gives herself a little more time to grow up, mature, and gain insight into the reasons for her feelings of desperation, she might ultimately make a better choice. We live in a time when the differences between men and women are being blurred in the home as well as in the workplace. One area where the differences still count, however, is in the different roles of fathers and mothers in parenting their children. Fathers and mothers may both be changing diapers these days, but only a father can show a young boy how to be a man, and only a father can provide a good model for the type of man he would like his daughter to marry. |