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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
PROTECTING THE INNOCENCE OF CHILDREN 2002-10-17 Day after day we are reminded that we live in dangerous times: the attacks of 9/11; the anthrax scare; and the recent shootings in the Virginia/Maryland area are just a few examples. However, the fact is that we have always lived in dangerous times and probably always will. Life is fragile and there are always disasters - both natural and man made - that threaten us. In my parents' youth there was polio, the Great Depression and World War II. When my grandparents were growing up there was the deadly influenza outbreak and World War I. I grew up with the Vietnam War, race riots and the Cold War always threatening to heat up. Nevertheless, we all tend to believe that such tragedies and threats are unusual and that having to endure them somehow goes against what is normal or natural. We especially worry about our young children and wonder what we should say to them. Therapists appear daily on television giving us advice on how honest we should be about the dangers of living. The recent shootings on the East Coast have started another round of agonizing about what to say to the children. One television news anchor spoke of how his daughter had told him she was scared and how he replied that he was scared too. Then, he added, they both cried. He seemed to think this was helpful although he did admit he was no expert and wasn't certain he had done the right thing. His telling of this incident with his daughter took me back to my youth and the Cuban Missile Crisis, which happened 40 years ago this week. I was 15, old enough to understand that bad things happen, but young enough to need protection and reassurance. I turned to my father - a man I trusted completely -and asked him if we were on the verge of nuclear war. He was very calm as he told me that he was certain it would never happen. "The Russians will back down" he assured me, "they have as much to lose as we do." As it turned out, he was right. The Russians did back down and war was averted. Eventually, the Soviet Union and the entire Communist system in Europe was replaced by democratic governments and the Cold War ended, only to be replaced by other threats. A few years ago I asked my father if he really believed back then that we would not go to war and his answer surprised me. He admitted that at the time he was actually very pessimistic about the situation and thought nuclear war was likely. "Why then," I asked him "did you tell me you were sure things would turn out all right?" "Because you were only 15," he told me. "What good would it have done to frighten you? If we went to war you would be traumatized soon enough and there was nothing we could do about it anyway. I wanted you to be able to sleep at night, even if the future was uncertain." My father's reassuring conversation with me forty years ago was an act of courage. There was no one to reassure him, and as he now admits, he was scared too. But he didn't tell me that then because there was no reason to. Instead, he decided to worry for both of us. His decision to be the grown-up allowed me to remain the child. I will always be grateful to him because I truly was terrified and his comforting words were the only thing that gave me hope and allowed me to continue my teenage life with some degree of normalcy. Today, I'm afraid, children know too much. "Experts" seem to think it's a good idea to inform children about everything, as if talk is always palliative. My experience during the Cuban Missile Crisis proves otherwise. We don't need to tell our children everything, not inform them of every danger. They may learn much from the media but it is still important to make a distinction between what potential dangers they absolutely need to know about to keep themselves safe (like crossing busy streets, engaging in unsafe sex and using drugs) and what things they need reassurance about. Children don't need their parents to cry with them because of fears of terrorism or snipers. Children need their parents to keep them safe, both physically and psychologically. Children need to hear from their parents that their parents will protect them from snipers, because the fact is, most of them will. One child was tragically wounded by this heartless madman and that is one child too many, but millions of children shouldn't have to worry daily about being the next victim. Parents need to take charge and be the grown-ups. No matter how frightened they are, it is their job to protect the childhood of their sons and daughters. Just because therapists encourage the open expression of feelings in therapy doesn't mean adults should burden their kids with their own anxiety. Terrorists and snipers do horrible damage - the media does more by its constant warnings and coverage of tragedy. Parents don't need to pile on by "sharing" their fears with their children. I'm reminded of the foreign film "Life is beautiful" in which a Jewish man protects his son's innocence in the horrendous experience of a concentration camp by pretending that it is all a game. The man is eventually killed but the child survives, not only physically, but emotionally, because his father had the courage to keep his fears to himself. Even when terrible possibilities confront us, it is important to remember that they are still only possibilities. We may encounter tragedy, but we don't have to expect our children to fear it long before it happens. We can offer comfort and reassurance because, like the threat of nuclear war during the Cuban Missile Crisis, it may never happen. The innocence and security of childhood, when parents run interference with life, ought to be preserved whenever possible. Thank you dad and bravo to all you parents who do this every day! |