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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
BEST AND WORST 2007-07-19 My daughter has a nightly dinner time ritual in which the children answer the following question: "What was the best part of your day and what was the worst part of your day?" They call the ritual "best and worst." This is a much better question than those our parents asked us such as "How was your day?" or "What did you do at school today?" To which we usually answered "Okay" and "nothing." My daughter's "best and worst" questions tend to get better answers. Six year old Sean always has a "best" part, usually having to do with playing with his friends or doing something new and exciting. Not liking to focus on negative things, he often has no "worst" part. Four year old Grace's answers are simpler and she can usually come up with a "worst" part, like hurting herself or losing something. On the way home from our family vacation in Oregon, my daughter asked for the best and worst parts of the entire vacation. Sean had no worst part, but had many best parts: flying a kite, taking a hike with dad, and playing his favorite card and video games with Uncle Terry. Grace had a few best parts too, but because she had so much fun on the vacation, and got so much loving attention from her aunts and uncles, her worst part was "having to go home." For now, it is enough to have the kids simply state the best and worst parts of the day. It is a way to initiate productive discussion at the dinner table. But as the children get older, and have more significant "worst" parts to reveal, it can also be an opportunity to help them navigate life's difficulties and build emotional resilience. All mom and dad have to do is ask some good questions to stimulate thought and problem-solving. For instance, if Grace comes home from school next year and says her worst part was "my friend not wanting to play with me," mom can express empathy and then ask her why she believed her friend didn't want to play with her. If Grace says "because she started playing with Jessica," mom can say "that doesn't mean she didn't want to play with you." She could add "perhaps you could all have played together." On the other hand, if Grace says "she likes Jessica better," mom can quickly offer different interpretations, such as: "maybe she didn't see you on the playground when she decided to play with someone else" or "maybe she just ran out to the playground and the other friend started playing with her first" or "maybe her friend asked her to play before she saw you, and she just said 'okay'." This will help Grace not take it personally and not feel rejected. It will also build her ability to think in a positive way about things. As she gets older, mom can ask Grace to come up with other explanations. Mom might then ask Grace what she did after she saw her friend playing with someone else. If Grace says "I just played with another friend," mom can reinforce her good judgment and say "it's good to remember we have more than one friend when one of our friends doesn't play with us." If she says "I just sat alone on the bench," mom might ask Grace why she didn't just join in. If Grace says "I'm shy" (which she tends to say often) mom could ask her how she might not let shyness stop her. She could even rehearse with Grace how to approach a friend who is playing with someone else. There are countless childhood problems and concerns that the "best and worst" game could address besides playground politics, such as getting a bad grade, getting in trouble in school or at home, losing a possession, missing an opportunity to do something, having to postpone an outing because of bad weather, getting sick, feeling angry or hurt, being afraid, etc. My daughter's "best and worst" game is actually a brilliant parenting tool, one that has the potential to teach problem-solving, resilience, emotional intelligence, and adaptation to the realities of life. I suggest all families of young school age children give it a try. Even parents can join in with answers and tell their children the best and worst parts of their day, to let children know that everyone encounters situations they don't much like and that even adults have to find ways to handle those situations. By the way, the best part of my vacation was spending time with my family, and just like Grace, the worst part was having to come home. |