| |
 |
 |
 |
Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
IN THE MIDDLE 2007-04-23 Grace Miller has become a middle child. My second grandchild and first granddaughter has moved from being the youngest and only girl to being squeezed between an older brother and younger sister. It's true, her birth order didn't just change recently, as her younger sister was born eighteen months ago, but the realization that she had a real rival has been a recent development. For the first year of her life, Madeline was just a lump and then a cute baby, but now she vies aggressively for both mom's attention and Gracie's toys, and poor Gracie is struggling to know what to do and how to compete. I spent four days with my daughter and the grandchildren last week and got to observe numerous occasions when Madeline stole a toy from Grace, or tried to push Grace off her mother's lap when mom was comforting her three year old daughter. Once, when Madeline demanded a toy from Grace with an ear piercing wail, Grace's older brother Sean demanded she give it to Madeline because "she's just a baby," something he has probably heard from mom on numerous occasions. It's, of course, easy for Sean to be generous with someone else's toys. Madeline mostly stays away from his toys, finding those of her sister much more to her liking. On those few occasions when Madeline ventured over to see Sean's Star Wars toys, Sean literally threw himself on top of them to keep them from Maddie's sticky little fingers. Grace is truly caught in a new psychological space. No longer the baby, her needs are not met first, the way they used to be. Now, Maddie gets instant or near instant gratification, mostly because she makes everyone miserable with cries until she gets what she wants. When I was reading books to the girls one afternoon, for instance, Maddie began getting books out of the bookshelf faster than I could read them, leaving a messy pile of books on the floor. When she did the same thing later that day, after I had picked up all the books, and I said "No, Maddie, don't get out all the books (with a slightly stern tone) Maddie began wailing loudly. Never having been the oldest, Grace also doesn't have the same privileges as Sean, nor the same power. She doesn't go to kindergarten and have a whole group of friends to hang out with. In fact, until this year her best friend has always been her older brother, who now prefers to play with Max or Matthew or Alex. And now that Maddie can assert herself and steal Grace's toys or compete with Grace for mom's attention, Grace simply doesn't know a good strategy to hold her own. So she resorts to things middle children often do: she whines and cries a lot or she goes off on her own without telling anyone and takes care of herself. Frequently she closes her bedroom door, as if to say, "leave me alone." When Grace hurts herself, she cries louder and longer than she used to, it seems, and she looks for attention where she can. She told me on numerous occasions that she had a cough and needed medicine, and while it is true she has a cough, this is the first time I remember her wanting everyone to know. (Of course it could be related to the fact that when she takes her medicine she also gets a gummy bear reward.) Grace has also become more stubborn and independent. She will only wear certain clothes (she prefers skirts to pants and wants to pick out her own clothes.) She also changes her clothes several times a day, leaving a pile of rumpled clothes on the floor or bed. Frequently, she will go off on her own to play with something or sit up at the computer and click away with the mouse in an attempt to get the computer to perform magic for her. When, on several occasions, she had gone off and I couldn't find her, I called to her only to hear no answer. Finally I would find her playing somewhere, seemingly wanting not to be found. For the most part, though, Grace is still the same delightful, spunky little girl, she has always been, a child with a good imagination and sense of humor. She is struggling, however, to find some equilibrium in a family where she once had a well defined place. The good thing is that she probably will learn to adapt, and possibly be more independent and self-sufficient than she might have been had she remained the baby. The not so good news is that she is off balance now and unsure of what strategies will effectively get her the attention and affection she needs and wants. And the not so good news for her mother is that she may have to endure some odd behavior as well as extra whining and crying until Grace figures out her new place in the family. It is not easy to be a middle child, as my son Terry, I'm sure, will tell you. But it is also not easy to be the mother of the middle child, as my daughter and I will both attest. The key for parents is to recognize that it isn't just the middle child who needs to learn new strategies to get attention and feel secure. It is also the parents – and especially the mother - of the middle child who must learn new strategies of parenting. And when you also have to handle two other children, that isn't easy to do. Mothers of three children, in my opinion, deserve medals! |