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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
LESSON FROM MADELINE: LEAVING THE GARDEN OF EDEN 2006-11-21 Our beautiful little granddaughter Madeline turned one year old on November 8th. It was wonderful to mark that milestone with her and her family. But her mother reports that in the past few weeks this normally happy and mild-mannered child has developed a temper. The outbursts of frustration and anger occur whenever she is told "no," or something is taken away from her by her mother (because it is dangerous) or her siblings (because they want it and they outrank her). In other words, whenever Madeline can't have what she wants, she expresses her outrage. When I think of Madeline's increased awareness of what she wants and what she can't have, and of the unhappiness this causes her, I see an apt metaphor in the Biblical story of the fall of man. Adam and Eve were, as the story goes, blissfully happy in the Garden of Eden where all of their needs were met and they had no desires that couldn't be fulfilled. As with all babies, Madeline's first year was a time of needs met not just as they arose, but also as they were anticipated. Madeline did not have to deal with much frustration. Not only did her mother tenderly care for her, but her brother and sister pampered her and unselfishly allowed her to play with their toys. They seemed to understand that she was too little to hurt anything and too immature to take anything away from them on a permanent basis. Around her first birthday, however, as she became more mobile, she began to hear a word she had not heard before: "no." It came from mom and dad as well as Sean and Grace. Five year old Sean would try to distract her or trade her one of her toys for one of his (which usually didn't work – Madeline is no dummy and knows the good stuff from the baby stuff) but three year old Grace would frequently walk up to her little sister and simply pluck the item out of her hands. Then a wailing or screaming would ensue and mom had to step in. But mom also finds herself saying "no" a great deal, and in response Madeline has occasionally reached over and bit her in anger. It's hard to leave the Garden of Eden, hard to realize there are some things you simply can't have because someone more powerful than you tells you it is forbidden. It is terrible to have mom or dad snap at you, take things away, or banish you to your crib for a few minutes. Curiosity is such a powerful motivator. Madeline is tempted, as are all of us, by things that we want to see, touch and taste. She wants to learn and explore. She wants the things that are kept from her: Sean's pirates, Gracie's princesses, mom's computer. It is the most human of urges to reach for those things that are forbidden, just like the apple in the Garden. But a baby doesn't know what is harmful and what isn't. A baby has to learn that mom is boss and that she has to negotiate for what she wants with others who want the same things. These are lessons that must be learned as each new little person becomes more than a lump of needs, and endeavors to join the family. Perhaps the author of the book of Genesis was only using this universal truth of human development to explain what he had learned as a child and then a parent: that infancy is a time of blissful satisfaction, which ends only when the child wakes up to the world around her and sees things that she cannot comprehend or use safely until she is older. It is at this time that she must learn to listen to her mother and to the extent that she does, she will be content. But to the extent that she disobeys out of curiosity or desire, she will encounter frustration and unhappiness. I have long believed that the story of creation is a metaphor for development, and a story of what is the inevitable action of curious human beings. In order to grow and develop, every child must venture into the world of new things, even forbidden things, which sometimes cause pain. But there is no way to grow to adulthood without such exploration. Madeline has left the garden of perfect contentment, and she cannot go back. Let us hope the journey from here forward is one of wonder and adventure, as well as an education in how to deal with the frustration she will inevitably encounter. Happy First Birthday, Madeline Claire! |