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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
LESSON FROM MADELINE; SEPARATION ANXIETY AND RELATIONSHIPS 2006-10-24 I spent two days visiting my grandchildren last week, arriving on the first day just in time to pick up my granddaughter Grace from preschool. We were planning on walking the two blocks to her house, as her mother had taken her sister to the doctor, but her mother met us on the way and Grace and I hopped into the van and said "hello" to eleven month old Madeline, strapped snugly into her car seat. At first Madeline smiled at her sister, but then glanced at me and let out a loud scream that turned into a cry lasting for the duration of the ride home. You see, at her very young age, Madeline is confused about how she feels about me. Until two months ago, Madeline had a totally positive reaction when I came to visit. She enjoyed playing with me, and was more than willing to snuggle up to me when she was tired. She also liked to hum along with me as I sang her to sleep. But at about nine months, Madeline reached the age of separation anxiety and began to associate my visits with the times that mommy left. (My daughter uses me as her primary babysitter.) So now Madeline doesn't know what to think. Her first reaction when she sees me is to expect mommy to leave and that leads to a loud protest. If mommy doesn't leave, she begins to relax and enjoy playing with me. But if mommy is out of the room for too long, she crawls from room to room looking for her, and if she can't find her, I again become the enemy. This is one of Madeline's first experiences with ambivalence, which she will find is present in all of her future relationships. While she has good feelings towards me, there is also something about me she doesn't like, which is that I am the one who has something to do with mommy leaving. As she gets older, Madeline will have ambivalent feelings about her brother and sister, with whom she will fight, and with friends she meets at school, who will sometimes treat her well and sometime treat her poorly. She will even have ambivalent relationships with her parents, and especially with her mommy. There will be battles of wills as she gets older and she will discover that while mommy loves her and fulfills her needs, mommy also sometimes frustrates her, scolds her, and prevents her from doing the very thing she wants to do. Mommy will also sometimes let her down by not being the perfect mother Madeline wants her to be. Her brother Sean, nearly six years old, knows this all too well. He loves his mommy more than anyone in the world, but when she tells him no, or has to discipline him, he expresses his anger quite loudly, sometimes telling his mother he will punish her by staying in his room and not speaking to her. (This self-banishment usually lasts about five minutes.) His anger at his mother is not just because she frustrates him and prevents him from doing something he wants to do, but also because he wants to change her back to the vision he has of what a "perfect mother" is. And to Sean, a perfect mother is someone who meets all his needs and wants, and whose will is always in agreement with his. Many of us carry this same attitude with us into marriage. We have a courtship of perfection, in which there is very little or no fighting, and where we strive to accommodate each other's wishes and understand each other's perspectives. Each one of us is like a loving, sacrificing parent to the other. Soon, however, we take back some of our own wishes and perspectives and become frustrated that our spouse is not the perfectly accommodating person he or she once was. Our once undying and unconditional love becomes infected with feelings of ambivalence, and we find ourselves wondering whether or not this person sleeping next to us is really the person we thought they were. It happens in every marriage, usually taking a number of years to develop. This is probably what is behind the "seven year itch" theory. It takes about that long for spouses who are otherwise well matched, and who do love each other, to grow dissatisfied with some aspects of their spouse's behavior and to feel a little disappointed or dissatisfied with their marriage. This is when it is important to realize that there is no perfect relationship. Friends, parents, and even spouses will let us down, not only because they are imperfect beings, but also because our expectations are too high. No one can remain the perfectly accommodating person they were during courtship, and though marriage does require a certain amount of sacrifice and generosity, no one can sacrifice their wants and needs forever. Madeline's expectation is that mommy will always be there meeting all of her needs and wants. Not only is this unrealistic, having all her wishes granted would not be good for Madeline. She has to learn to deal with frustration, and eventually to meet her own needs. Likewise, spouses must not only accept their partners' imperfections, but learn that marriage doesn't mean you will never be frustrated and your partner will always be there to do your bidding. In a sense, the dissatisfaction that partners ultimately experience with each other is a lot like the developmental stage of separation anxiety. You have to separate yourself from the fairy tale of effortless "happily ever after" as well as from the notion that your partner will always do what you want him or her to do. Just as Madeline will learn that, while painful at first, it is actually okay to be away from mommy for a while, marital partners in successful marriages learn that "happily ever after" requires effort as a couple struggles to transition from a state of blissful and unrealistic symbiosis to a more realistic blending of independence and togetherness. Couples who are able to navigate that change tend to go on to develop happy marriages, while couples that don't, tend to go their separate ways. |