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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
LESSON FROM MADELINE: BE SAFE, BE GOOD, BE HAPPY 2006-07-18 Baby Madeline has become very mobile and thus is discovering all kinds of things she couldn't reach before. Like most babies, she is incredibly curious and loves to get her hands on something new. She will bypass five colorful new toys, created by child development experts to stimulate her intellect, and head straight to a crayon or piece of paper that has fallen on the floor. In fact, when she spots something across the room that isn't a toy, and that she can reach, she moves at lightning speed to grab it. Madeline seems bored with her toys. No matter how colorful, musical, or sparkly, they don't get her attention. It's as if she knows they are meant for her, which makes them uninteresting. Madeline has a whole forbidden world out there to explore and she is determined to do it. When her mother or her older siblings see that she has found something dangerous for her, they take it away from her and the shriek from her little mouth is ear piercing. In order to keep her safe, those who love her have to endure her cries of unhappiness. It isn't a new story, really. Human beings from babies to adults, are always drawn to what is taboo. Religious and mythological stories reflect this curiosity and the dangers that flow from it. The story of Adam and Eve is the archetypal one of curiosity for the forbidden, but there are similar stories throughout mythology. Prometheus was a Titan, a mythological race of giants, who stole fire from the gods and was given a horrendous punishment. Pandora, the first woman, gave in to her curiosity to see what was in a box she was told not to open, and thus unleashed all kinds of problems. Myth, fable and religion tell us of the conflict between the curiosity and selfish desire of humans, which often leads to disaster, and the need for laws and rules to create predictability, safety and order. Madeline's parents are trying to keep her safe right now, by making sure dangerous toys and other objects stay out of her reach. As she gets older there will be other ways they will set limits in order to keep her safe, not allowing her to wander off by herself, engage in dangerous activities, or spend time with people who are not trustworthy. They will do this while trying not to squelch her curiosity. They will also begin to teach her right from wrong and that can be tricky as well. We want our children to stand up for themselves, for instance, when someone is treating them poorly, but how do we judge when standing up for oneself moves into hostile or aggressive behavior? And what is the role of empathy, putting oneself in the other's shoes, and caring as much about another as about oneself? The art of parenting is, among other things, teaching children three things: how to be safe while not being too fearful to try new things and take reasonable risks; how to do the right thing even when it leads to unhappiness; and how to balance their happiness with the happiness of others. It isn't always easy for parents to find the right formula, especially as kids get older. The guidelines I tried to follow when raising my own children was that I wanted them first to be safe, then to be good, and finally to be happy – in that order. But we have to find the right balance. If we focus too much on safety we might end up with neurotic, fearful children. If we focus too much on being good, we might raise children who can't stand up for themselves, worry continually about doing the right thing, or in some cases rebel and go in a different direction. If we focus too much on happiness, we can raise selfish children who are uncaring, unloving people. There are three questions, then, that we must ask ourselves as parents when determining if an activity will be allowed. Is it safe? Is it morally right? Will it make my child happy? If the activity is truly unsafe, then the answer is "no." If it is safe but wrong in a moral or legal sense, then the answer is "no," even if it might make a child "happy." If the desired activity is safe and morally acceptable (and, of course, affordable), then within reason, a parent can allow it. If as parents we ask the right questions in the right order, we will generally know what to allow our children to do and not do, and take some comfort that we have made a good parenting decision, even if there are loud protests when we say "no." |