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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
LESSON FROM SEAN: GRAPPLING WITH GOOD AND EVIL 2006-06-09 Something happens to little boys around the age of five or six that causes them to become fascinated with villains and evil. It is also around this age that one difference between boys and girls becomes quite pronounced. Boys are drawn to competition and power, while girls tend to gravitate to cooperation and nurturing. Of course, it is hard to say how much is nature and how much is nurture, but there does seem to be a difference that becomes pronounced around this stage of development. Over the past year, Sean has enjoyed playing with his pirate figures and pirate ship and he definitely knows pirates are bad guys. His sister Grace, on the other hand, prefers princesses and dolls. I know, of course, that this is partially thanks to Disney, but it is also true that Disney capitalizes on natural tendencies of children in the movies and toys it manufactures. Recently, five year old Sean's fascination with villains and evil has gone to a new level. While he has always been a loving child, sensitive and protective of his sisters, Sean has entered the world of Star Wars, and the awareness of "good guys" and "bad guys." Since his father started showing him some episodes of the six part saga, fast forwarding past what Sean calls "the scary stuff," Sean has been obsessed with both the characters and the broader themes of the story. He is especially interested in Darth Vader and the power that he represents. Sean and I went shopping together last week, and I bought him a light saber. Ever since then, he has been practicing his moves with it, slashing away at the air, the floor, the sofa, and jumping in the air as he makes a half turn with his body, coming down to slash away from a different angle. It is amazing to see his determination to become skilled at this make believe exercise. It is also amazing to see how much this light saber empowers him. From time to time, when Sean gets too aggressive, his mother tells him his light saber needs a "time-out" and though it disappoints him, he dutifully puts it away in his closet. On the other hand, when his father put it in the closet the other day, because some friends were fighting over it, Sean was more upset than I expected him to be. When I asked him why, he said "I wanted to put it away, not dad." In other words, his new sense of power has become invested in that light saber, and as long as he puts it away, it is still under his control. He still has power. When dad puts it away, he feels small and powerless again. Sean and I had some time alone later in the week and he wanted to talk about Darth Vader and how he became a "bad guy." He knows the details of the story quite well, of how the young Anakin Skywalker went over to the dark side, and he has accepted the Star Wars division of the universe into "good guys" and "bad guys." This gave me an opportunity to talk to him about good and evil and how they aren't the absolutes he now sees them as. While he may not yet fully understand, I thought it was important for him to realize that most people are capable of both good and bad deeds. This seems to be the overarching theme of the story of Anakin/Darth Vader and his fall from goodness into the dark side, followed by his redemption. In light of the simplistic framing, on the part of our political leaders, of America's current fight against "evil" in the world, I thought it important for Sean to understand at least at a rudimentary level that most people are neither all good nor all bad. This is an important concept to help him gain a better understanding of himself, as well as an understanding of his friends, family, and fellow citizens. He doesn't yet grasp the complexity of it; children Sean's age are at a stage of moral development that tends to divide things into good and bad. But the movie Star Wars has given him an introduction to a more complex view of the world, and talks that his parents will have with him will hopefully reinforce the development of a more sophisticated understanding of human behavior, and how even good people can be drawn to evil, and then drawn back again. I would hate to see Sean never move past the stage of moral development where he divides the world into good people and bad people. To remain stuck in that mindset is dangerous, and tends to make humans less tolerant and understanding, more warlike and violent. My hope for Sean is that he be wiser than that. Sean's current fascination with bad guys and the power they wield is one way for him to get in touch with his own "dark side" and begin to gain control over it, and then grab onto "the force" and turn his power and energy to positive pursuits. But that will only happen if Sean continues to have conversations with wise adults who can guide him in his moral development. I hope my conversation with Sean is one of many he will have not only with me, but also with his parents, about good, evil, power and redemption. The movies in the Star Wars series are great tools to use to begin that conversation. Sometimes Hollywood gets it right, and if handled correctly, a little boy's fascination with power and evil can be transformed into a force for good. |