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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
FATHERS, SONS, AND HUSBANDS 2006-03-31 Two of my sons and their wives just returned to Seattle after a five day visit here in Southern California to celebrate their dad's sixtieth birthday, their grandpa's eightieth and their baby niece's christening. They were joined on the two days of celebrations by their younger brother, his long time girlfriend, and their sister and her family. The visit gave me a chance to observe my older sons as husbands, and my youngest as a future husband, and I was quite impressed. I think they learned a lot from their father. I observed many behaviors that, in my judgment, predict a happy and long marriage. The first thing I noticed was their unwillingness to make decisions without first checking with spouse or girlfriend. Whether we were discussing a choice of activities or what to have for dinner, they were reluctant to speak for their female partners. The women, for their part, exhibited the same reluctance to speak for the men, even though they probably all knew each other's preferences. I saw this as a sign of respect and courtesy, always good traits in marriage. Another thing I noticed was an eagerness to do little things for each other, whether that meant taking a walk, getting a cup of coffee, going to the store to pick something up, or watching a movie, at the other's request. This is the unselfishness and generosity so important in relationships. There was also a willingness to let the other do things alone, if that is what they preferred at any given point. One son might read while his wife sat outside enjoying a rare day of sunshine, so appreciated by a Seattle resident. Another son came to the christening without his partner as she had to do some work on the computer. None of them seemed put out that the other was doing what they wanted or felt they needed to do. Again, time to do things alone in order to maintain your own individuality is crucial to happiness in marriage. Finally, we spent a lot of time talking about cats. Now cats aren't important to a relationship, unless, of course, they are very important to one of the partners. But problems can develop when the other partner has a problem with cats. Each of my sons grew up without cats, primarily because they are all terribly allergic to them. Two of them happened to fall in love with women who had grown up with a particular cat, one they still cared for. My other son married a woman who loves cats and wanted to bring a kitty home. The allergies of my sons meant either the women would have to find new homes for the cats, or the men might have to find new homes for themselves. Each of these men made a decision to honor their partner's love of cats and try to manage their allergies. All the men agreed to deal with the cats and in fact, soon became quite attached to them. One son even had allergy tests recently and found he was much less allergic to cats than he used to be. Perhaps his system has adapted, or perhaps love works miracles. Although I am certain my daughters-in-law and future daughter-in-law would have found new homes for the cats had my sons requested it, they didn't have to. In this case, my sons made the sacrifice, just as I'm sure the women have and will make other sacrifices. And I can think of nothing more important to lasting love than the willingness to make sacrifices. I am proud of all my sons, and their partners, and the way they are growing in their relationships, and I look forward to watching their love blossom in the coming years. They are very much their father's sons. I have loved him for 42 years, since he was 18 years old, and as a husband they don't come any better. He has treated me with respect and courtesy, done many small and large things for me, allowed me to be myself, and made many sacrifices for me. I never asked him for a cat, mostly because having not grown up with cats I never developed a fondness for them. But I did convince him to get a few dogs over the years, which I'm sure he wouldn't have done on his own. It is his example, above all other things, that contributed to his sons' ability to be so loving and generous in their relationships. I hope they know that. And I hope they know how wonderful it makes me feel to see them become the loving husbands their father is. Soon, I hope, I will be proud to see them follow his kind and loving example as they take on the responsibilites of fatherhood. |