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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
TEN SUGGESTIONS 2002-07-03 If you find yourself feeling permanently under attack, continually confused and generally on the losing end of every argument with your child, you are probably either raising a two year old or a teenager. Here's how you tell the difference: Two year olds are shorter and easier to confine. When they misbehave, you can pick them up and move them away from the situation. Teenagers, regardless of the high proportion of their life spent on restriction, tend to slip out of confinement quite easily - and they're obviously too heavy to lift. The other way to tell them apart is that teenagers are generally all toilet trained while most two year olds are still in diapers. While both two year olds and teens can be difficult, living with teenagers can be downright gruesome. Consider these realities: teens can be moody, argumentative, unpredictable, insecure, loud, defiant and rebellious. They pierce various body parts, paint their hair and wear clothing that fails to cover the middle part of their bodies. They take all kinds of risks with little consideration of the danger and they are bottomless pits of wants, which they refer to as "needs." Walk into the house of a teenager and you might hear such statements as: "I need a car - everyone else has one." "I need a cell phone." "I need a new stereo." "I need to color my hair orange." "I need privacy." "I need a hundred dollars." "I need different parents." "I need to move out of here." Chances are in that same house you will hear parents trying a variety of tactics to head off the craziness that they feel has possessed their once compliant and delightful child. Some will try reasoning, not realizing how disinterested most teens are in reason. Some will repeat rules and guidelines, refusing to discuss any request or demand. Some will get into heated arguments. Others will send the teen to their room or take away the phone or shout "You're grounded!" on a regular basis. I have great empathy for parents of teenagers. I have raised four teens - three at the same time - and I remember feeling completely stumped. However, by the time they had all left home for the comforts of the college dorm, I had learned a few things about raising teenagers. I've put them in the form of ten suggestions. Here they are. 1. Brace yourself - for hormone storms, unpredictable behavior, severe and unpredictable mood changes, verbal attacks, crazy hair and clothing, unusual friends and dates, enormous hunger, unusual eating patterns, occasional loving behavior followed by extreme anger and refusal to be seen in public with you. As long as nothing dangerous or illegal is going on, it is best to just ride out the storms, standing nearby in case you are needed. 2. Know the difference between typical weird behavior and real problems. Do not ignore behavior if it goes to extremes. For instance, you should not tolerate verbal or physical assaults, hair and clothing that shows poor hygiene, is extremely seductive or vulgar, or friends that are dangerous or show you or your teen no respect. You should pay attention to suicidal talk or behavior, drug usage, extreme mood swings - especially if they involve bizarre thoughts - and extreme eating problems, as these are danger signs that require professional intervention. If you have doubts about which kind of behavior your teen is displaying, seek the help of a professional who has experience working with teens. 3. Stop treating your teenagers like they are still in grade school, but don't give them all the freedom of a 21 year old. Take some time to think about what your teenager is capable of doing on his/her own and divide up your responsibilities and his/her responsibilities. In general, you are still needed to be a good role model, an advisor (occasionally), a good listener, and the person in charge of safety and legal issues. Allow your teenager to make his/her own decision with respect to school activities, hair and clothing style (within reason), choice of friends (within reason), conflicts with friends, and homework and let him/her know that this is the opportunity for them to prove their maturity to you. 4. Know how to communicate with your teenager. When they want to talk, listen non-defensively. Sometimes teens are just thinking out loud and trying out new and outrageous ideas. Don't fall for the bait by overreacting. Avoid peppering them with questions about school and dates, but be available if they want to talk. Never lecture and try not to nag. If you must state a rule (like "you may not drive until you have your permit") or a consequence (like "you will have to pay for the damage you did to your brother's skateboard") or give an important reminder (like "your SAT test is on Saturday") do it ONCE and say it in one sentence. That will take care of your parental responsibilities, help reduce your guilt if something goes wrong and prevent your teen from diverting attention from him/herself by saying "You're such a nag!" 5. Make reasonable curfews, worked out with input from your teen, and expect your teen to call you if an emergency or unforeseen circumstance means she will not be home on time. It is a good idea to know your teenager's destination when they go out. 6. Do not buy a car for your teenager. Expect him to save money for a car which he can purchase at age 18, when he is legally responsible. Driving is a privilege and it, as well as car ownership, should be earned. Giving teens a gas credit card is not a good idea either. Think twice before buying a cell phone for a teenager. If they want a cell phone, let them get a job, buy one and pay all their cell phone bills. If you worry about your teenager when he/she goes out at night, a good compromise is to loan them your cell phone so that they can reach you in an emergency or vice versa. 7. Don't take it personally that your teen wants to spend time away from you. They like time alone in their rooms and most of the time they would rather be with friends than parents. As long as their friends are fairly wholesome kids, don't worry. I avoided my parents when I was a teen and you probably did too. Try to remember that. 8.Do not continually put your teen on restriction. When a violation of a rule occurs, talk it over and determine how it happened. If the violation is particularly egregious, find a consequence that will have some meaning, not just be an arbitrary expression of your anger. Constant use of restriction or grounding tells your teen you are unimaginative and predictable, makes him/her resentful, teaches him/her nothing except to be more sneaky about rule violation. If the explanation for a violation of a rule or for irresponsible behavior makes no sense, believe that the explanation is a lie. Make it easier for your teen to tell the truth by not rushing to a punishment and being willing to talk about whatever the issue is. If your teen is continually lying, consider that he or she is doing something of which you would not approve. The behaviors that come to mind are drug usage and sexual behavior. If drugs are the problem, you will need professional help. if sex is the issue, you need to talk at length with your teen about a variety of issues including values and morality, health issues and other consequences of sexual activity. 9. Keep your teenager busy. Make sure you get them involved in activities like sports and music when they're young so they will have interesting pursuits to occupy them when the hormone storms hit. Church youth groups, summer camps and/or summer jobs, and extracurricular activities at school have helped many kids stay out of trouble as well as get into a good college. 10. Don't be surprised if your teenager occasionally surprises you and is friendly, talkative and in need of your strength and wisdom. A teenager, after all, is a child who is trying to be an adult but isn't quite there. Sometimes they have flashes of common sense and maturity. When they do, however, don't jump up and down with exuberance because they have finally grown up. Tomorrow will be another day and they may come home with pink hair. |