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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
THE CHALLENGE OF STEPPARENTING 2006-02-17 I have never been a stepparent myself, but I have listened to the concerns and complaints of many brave souls who, after having fallen in love with a parent of not-yet-grown children, found themselves in the sometimes rewarding, and frequently agonizing role of stepmother or stepfather. When I try to imagine what it must be like to be in a semi-parenting or full time parenting role with a child that I did not give birth to, nor even raise for many years of its life, I know I fall short. I am a parent of four and I know the trials and tribulations of parenting children of all ages, both male and female. I even know what it is to be a grandparent. None of these experiences, however, come close those of a stepparent, so I offer this essay with humility, and hope it may offer courage along with a new thought or two to some of you brave souls who are raising stepchildren. First it is important to understand some of the reasons why stepparenting is so difficult. Stepparents either come to the new family with experience parenting their own biological children or they come with no experience as a parent. The stepparent who has never had children of his or her own must, therefore, learn to be a parent with someone else's children. This can be extremely difficult for several reasons. First, the stepparent will have difficulty relating to the bonding that exists between a parent and a biological child and therefore cannot understand the extreme closeness and protectiveness that biological parents feel. (When I speak of biological parents I include adoptive parents, as bonding occurs in these families as well.) This lack of understanding can lead to misinterpretation of the spouse's as well as the child's behavior. For example, a new stepfather may not be able to relate to a biological mother's intense worry over her child's illness, school problems or emotional distress. He may brush aside her parental concerns or offer hasty reassurance, and not comprehend the anxiety his spouse has over her child's well being. This seeming lack of concern often contrasts with how the new stepparent related to the children prior to the marriage. Before becoming stepparents, men and women who are not parents often relate to the children of their future spouse with a playful, positive and adventurous spirit. They may take the children places, bring them gifts, and talk with them in a non-parental way, leading the children to see them as buddies or advocates. The soon-to-be parent may be acting this way not because he has great personal experience or rapport with children, but because he is in love, sees the children through a romantic glow and is willing to extend himself in ways he wouldn't were he not in love with their mother. This, of course, changes when everyone has been living together for a while and reality sets in. The stepparent who has never been a parent may also have little knowledge of normal development and behavior in children which can lead to annoyance with the children, unrealistic expectations with respect to discipline, and harsh judgment of the spouse's parenting practices. A woman who has only imagined how well her own future children will behave and how she intends to be the perfect parent may not be able to understand why her husband sometimes lets his child get away with something or doesn't punish the child as much as she thinks is appropriate. She hasn't yet gone through that most humbling of all parental experiences: having to eat the smug, critical words you have said about other people's children. A third problem which may arise is jealousy. While a stepparent without her own children may be tolerant of her spouse's time with his children prior to the marriage, and may even include them in many activities, she may not be so willing to share him after the wedding. When everything was new and exciting and the children were being courted by the aspiring stepparent, everyone was on their best behavior. Once the ceremony is over and real life starts, the relationship between children and stepparents may deteriorate as the newness wears off and they relax around each other, abandoning some of their best behavior. If the children are living with the parent and stepparent full time, there may be very little alone time for the couple. There is literally no honeymoon and the glow of romance fades quickly as sibling rivalry, normal disobedience, messiness, fights over chores, disagreements and even money issues appear. It is easy for a stepparent to blame the children for increased stress and lack of intimate time with the new spouse and begin to treat them differently. If, on the other hand, the children only see the parent and stepparent on weekends, they may want time alone with their biological parent during the visit. The stepparent may feel left out and even jealous of the special bond and the alone time desired by both parent and children, especially because that bond predates the marital bond. The new stepparent who is already a parent brings another set of difficulties into a blended family. She will naturally have a greater loyalty to her own children than to her spouse's children and may find it difficult not to make comparisons between the two sets of children and between her parenting and that of her spouse. No two people parent in exactly the same way and the woman parenting her own children may disagree with the parenting style of her new spouse. She may see his children as more rowdy than hers, less studious, more discourteous or more spoiled and she may blame her spouse for this. She may also be envious of her stepchildren. She may, for instance, feel her stepchildren get better fathering than her children do, especially if her children are estranged from their own father. In addition, if any of her stepchildren are more talented in one area than her own children, she may feel some envy towards them and protectiveness towards her own children. As for the children, they enter into a blended family with a variety of attitudes. Some children, who are estranged from a biological parent, may have great hopes for the new stepparent becoming the mother or father they don't have. This hope can be fueled by the usually positive pre-marriage relationship between future stepparent and stepchildren, spoken of above. Once everyone starts having to adjust to living together and those hopes are dashed, children can become resistant, stubborn and angry towards the new stepparent to the point of attempting to sabotage the new marriage. These are just a few of the difficulties faced by stepparents and stepchildren as they work to form blended families. I have heard it said by experts that it can take up to seven years to get a blended family to adjust and adapt to the new circumstances. I hate to put a time frame on any adjustment period, but I think it is wise to understand that the adjustment takes both time and effort and a lot of patience and understanding. Listening rather than lecturing, and looking to one's own behavior and feelings rather than blaming the other parent or the children, go a long way towards the creation of a healthy blended family. Stepparents cannot expect stepchildren to embrace them as if they were their biological parents and must also accept that the bonding between biological parents and children is very powerful, more powerful sometimes than romantic love. Biological parents must have patience with their spouses who are becoming stepparents for the first time, recognizing that there is a lot to learn. Above all, both parents and children need to understand that the new family will probably not resemble the old family in any way. Loyalties of the children are often divided between mother and father, with a stepparent often having to take a back seat. New traditions, new ways of communicating, and an enormous amount of patience, respect, and humility will have to accompany the new living arrangements. |