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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
LESSON FROM SEAN: THE IMPORTANCE OF DIGNITY 2005-07-25 Sean, now four and a half, often reminds me of one of my sons in the lengths to which he goes to hide embarrassment and hurt. If he is saddened by a playmate's refusal to play with him or hold his hand, and his hurt brings on tears, he turns away or insists to his mother, who acknowledges his sadness, that he is not sad. Should he fall and hurt himself, he will occasionally ask his mother to kiss the hurt, but just as frequently he will insist he's okay, even though the tears welling up in his eyes betray his feelings. My son did similar things, insisting that he wasn't crying but he just had "water in his eyes," and denying that he was afraid, when he obviously was afraid. Although in our family we never told our boys not to cry or indicated it was unmanly to show hurt or embarrassment, this particular son was especially concerned about showing feelings that he instinctively felt were undignified. It's amazing, really, how early in life we are aware of our own dignity, and the importance of preserving it. In a world where there is so much we cannot control, so much that controls us, our dignity, that is our pride in who we are, is one of the few things we have some control over, even at the age of four. The preservation of dignity is one of the reasons why some children will act unconcerned even after being spanked, and why others will react with outrage and anger if they are put in their rooms for a time-out. It's why they will argue with parents and siblings to prove they are right and why they will insist that a teacher, who sends them home with a bad behavior note, is simply picking on them. No child over the age of four tolerates punishment or criticism well precisely because it is a blow to their dignity. The opposite concern, and the concern that causes many parents to be harsh with their children, is that a child will grow up to be arrogant and selfish. Children are born, after all, with the feeling that they are the center of the universe with everyone else revolving around them. This healthy narcissism can become a problem if parents continually cater to it and allow the child to call all the shots. This is, of course, one of the reasons why parenting is the most difficult job in the world. There has to be a balance between teaching and discipline, which are necessary to teach a child to be responsible, loving and unselfish, and respect for the child's dignity as a human being. This is why it is never healthy or effective to beat children, or humiliate them, or verbally attack who they are. All of these things hurt a child's dignity, and a child with his dignity in tatters is liable to become either passive and afraid, or an angry bully. Only with a great deal of patience and love, in addition to appropriate firmness, will parents be able to teach children to be good as well as dignified human beings. Helping to nurture and protect a child's dignity doesn't mean, of course, always taking his side or always allowing him to win arguments. The wise parent doesn't rush off to yell at the teacher every time a child comes home with a bad report card or call up parents of a friend to lodge a complaint each time the child has a scuffle on the playground. Protecting a child's dignity doesn't mean never letting them experience failure or disappointment. It means helping them maintain their balance even when failure and disappointment occur. I used to tell my teenage clients, after a humiliating breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend, that the one thing that boyfriend or girlfriend couldn't take from them, unless they willingly gave it up, was their dignity. The ultimate goal for parents is to raise a child who is capable of admitting and learning from mistakes, and enduring some embarrassment and disappointment, while still maintaining a strong sense of self as well as appropriate behavior. Allowing children to maintain their dignity when they are small will help them as they grow up and learn how to tell a good friend from a not so good friend, or how to distinguish between a healthy romantic relationship and unhealthy one. The friend who is disloyal and the boyfriend or girlfriend who is abusive are obvious threats to a person who understands the importance of dignity. He or she will probably not stay in such a relationship. On the other hand, the person who has a strong sense of his or her own dignity will not take extreme offense when a friend or lover is unintentionally hurtful or thoughtless, but instead will initiate a respectful conversation to clarify things. Finally, it might seem as if what I am really talking about is self-esteem. However, I see dignity and self-esteem as slightly different concepts. Self-esteem refers to the good feelings one has about oneself and not to one's behavior, while dignity refers to the way one chooses to behave even when one's feelings are confusing, embarrassing or painful. When Sean is physically hurt or embarrassed, there is something in him that doesn't want to show it so that he can maintain his emotional equilibrium, at least on the outside. Some pop psychologists might say this is dangerous and Sean should be made to express his feelings lest he become one of those unfeeling men who has lost all touch with his softer, gentler side. My response to them is this: Sean has a need to protect his dignity right now and those of us who love him need to let him do that. Someday, when he is a little older, his dignity intact, we can help him learn the benefits of acknowledging his feelings and even occasionally laughing at himself. Nobody ever said parenting was easy! But then nobody ever said growing up was easy either. |