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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
LESSON FROM SEAN: "I'M JUST RIGHT" 2005-04-23 A few days ago four year old Sean wanted to sit in his mommy's lap and have her read him a story. It was late and Sean was tired and squirmy, prompting his mother to say "Sean, you're getting too big to be wiggling around like that on my lap." Like most children, Sean reacted after only hearing the first few words. Almost immediately, his feelings hurt by what he took as criticism, he said "I'm not too big, I'm just right." And on several occasions through the evening he repeated this refrain to his mother: "I'm just right!" Sean's defense of his identity and his physical body is a healthy sign. Children are naturally narcissistic and don't react well to perceived criticism. One of the reasons parenting is such a difficult and tricky endeavor is that a parent must guide and teach a child in what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior without causing a child to feel ashamed of himself. At four, Sean is working every day to form his identity, trying on new roles and testing out his abilities. Recently he has become obsessed with the movie "The Incredibles" and with the character "Dash," a little superhero who has the ability to run incredibly fast. When I go to visit Sean and his little sister Grace, he greets me at the door by asking me to watch how fast he can run. Then he runs in a circle from the front door, down the hall, through the kitchen and living room and back to the front door. He has also been using his hands to hold his hair back because Dash has slicked back hair while Sean's hair naturally grows down and covers his forehead. When Sean was visiting a few days ago I put some gel on his hair so it would stay back and Sean was very aware that this new hairstyle made him more like Dash, at least in appearance. He now wants gel in his hair everyday and, for now, his mother is willing to go along with his new look, but what is interesting is that Sean is very insistent that he is still the same person he always was. When I said to him that I thought he must be Dash he corrected me. "I'm still Sean," he said. "Dash is my secret identity." What this demonstrates is that one's identity forms very early and that one's name is an integral part of that identity. That's one of the reasons the naming of a child by its parents is such an important privilege. But other elements of a child's identity come from his parents' reactions to him and their willingness to let his identity emerge rather than force him to be someone he is not. For now, Sean is trying out lots of roles to see how they fit. His imagination allows him to be a musician, a fireman, a cook, an athlete, a doctor and even a superhero. At the same time, his little sister goes from being an adventurous climber and budding tomboy, who loves playing in the dirt, to a princess in a "pretty dress." At this age, it is good for children to try out a myriad of roles and engage in a number of activities. And even as their parents discipline them for misbehavior and teach them right from wrong, it is important for those parents, as well as grandparents and all those who love them, to let the children know that in their bodies and souls they are "just right." |