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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
MAKING LOVE, NOT WAR. PART TWO: "YOU'RE RIGHT." 2005-02-21 One of the biggest problems that infects marriage is the need spouses have to win arguments and be "right." Arguing in marriage is, of course, inevitable. It is not so much the presence of arguing that is the problem, however, as the impasse that sometimes develops when spouses hold tightly to their viewpoint and refuse to give in, insisting that the other person see things their way. In fact, this attitude often becomes apparent in marriage counseling when one of the spouses announces: "He/she has to see it my way." Usually when this happened in my office I would reply "Well, he/she doesn't actually have to see it your way, but you would really like it if they could." The point I was making was that forcing your viewpoint down the other's person's throat is never going to increase the harmony in your marriage. We live in a culture that fosters competition and one in which force and intimidation are sometimes the strategies used to win. We hear about "hostile takeovers" in corporations and "take no prisoners" attitudes in politics. We spend billions to support athletic contests where players resort to drug use not only to pump themselves up physically but also to increase their level of aggression. Baseball, football, basketball and hockey no longer teach "good sportsmanship" to our youth so much as they promote winning at any cost. There's another competitive model that becomes part of us at a much earlier age, the model of sibling rivalry. We actually learn about competition as early as two, when a new sibling is born and immediately steals some of mom's attention from us, leaving us feeling as if we must fight against this interloper. When we get more verbal, we pick fights with siblings and protest to our mother, when she intervenes to stop the fight, that our side of the story is the one to be believed. In this way we try to get her to love us more. It should come as no surprise that this attitude makes its way into marriage. We really shouldn't expect people who are taught to be fierce competitors in other arenas of their life to understand how to make an exception for marriage, especially when the only criteria many people have for choosing a marriage partner is "falling in love." While falling in love is a wonderful thing, it really doesn't prepare us for the realities of marriage, many of which only show up a few months or years later when the frustrations of the day to day grind of living with someone else settle in. No matter how much in love we may be when we marry, and no matter how perfect we think our new partner is, we will not always agree. The reality is that we didn't even always agree before marriage, but the chemistry and psychology of "being in love" makes us hide our differences and helps us be more willing to at least look at the other person's viewpoint. After a few months or years of marriage, however, when love's chemistry wanes, we get tired of the effort that is required to compromise our own viewpoint with that of our spouse. The competitive spirit we use in so many other areas of our lives starts to work its way into our marriage and we begin treating each other less like lovers and more like rivals. It is then that we start digging in our heels and insisting that our partner see things our way. He says: "Look, I work hard all day to support the family; the least you can do is not get upset when I want to hang out with my friends." She says: "I may not make as much money as you but I work just as hard and you seem completely unwilling to see how difficult it is for me to work and take care of the kids. Why can't you see my side of things?" There really is a simple solution to all of this: recognizing the truth in what the other person is saying, even if it isn't the whole truth. What is truth after all but our own perception of things? No one's truth is the same as anyone else's truth. So if we can simply accept that at least a part of what our spouse is saying has validity, we might arrive at the kind of understanding that eludes us when we insist that we are right. What if she said "You're right. You do work hard and I know how important it is for you to have some time to relax. Let's talk about how we can both be happy?" Wouldn't the two have a better chance of finding a workable compromise? Or what if he said "You're right. It must be tough to work at what amounts to two jobs. How can I help you so that we both might have a little time off?" Two little words: "You're right." Not, "you're right and I'm wrong." Not "You're right about everything and my view is stupid." What prefacing statements with these two words does is let your partner know that you recognize the validity of their perspective, even as you hold onto your own, and are ready to find some middle ground. Acknowledging that you and your partner are different people with different ideas, needs, and wants indicates that you respect him or her as the unique person you married. After all, you didn't marry your spouse because they looked, acted, sounded and thought exactly like you. How boring that would be! We all have to grow up in marriage and that means growing past the fantasy of an effortless "happily ever after" in which spouses always agree with each other. It's difficult to give up being competitive, hard to move past sibling rivalry, harder still to let go of the need to have your own way all the time. It's a struggle to listen and see another side of things and challenge your selfish, narrow perspective. This is what marriage counselors mean when they talk about marriage being "work." But it's also part of the formula that enables couples to happily celebrate their golden wedding anniversary, with the same sparkle in their eyes they had on their wedding day. |