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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
LESSON FROM SEAN: CONQUERING FEAR 2005-02-07 Sean and Grace's parents were having a Super Bowl party on Sunday so Grampy and I decided to take them to the Los Angeles Zoo for a few hours to get them away from the grown-up silliness. It rained on and off for most of the day, though, so we changed our plans and went to the Natural History Museum. We thought Sean at age four was old enough to appreciate the gigantic dinosaur skeletons and the other animal displays. What we didn't know at the time was that Sean was afraid of dinosaurs because he had been to an exhibit at the zoo where animated dinosaurs made loud sounds. Sean is at an age where he would rather not tell you he is afraid, but tries various strategies to conquer his fear with thoughts and words. This time was no different. From the time we got in the car until the minute we pulled into the parking space in the museum parking lot, Sean was telling us how he could turn dinosaurs into other things. "Maybe we could turn the dinosaurs into cats," he said. "Maybe we could turn them into birds." "Maybe we could turn them into trees." "Maybe we could turn them into drinking fountains." Everything he saw along the way, from hills to trucks to bridges to tunnels, became things he could turn dinosaurs into. He broke the monotony of his monologue at one point by singing the ABC song and then went right back to his theme. "Maybe we can turn the dinosaurs into houses." He couldn't be distracted. Every time Grampy or I tried to change the subject, Sean went right back to his mission: finding a way to make the dinosaurs less scary in his own mind. To his credit, when we walked into the museum, Sean's fear was nowhere to be seen. He held Grampy's hand while I pushed Grace in the stroller and went with us right up to the two huge dinosaur skeletons on display just past the entrance. He stared and made comments about the things he noticed and then was ready to see more. As we moved to the larger exhibit of small and large dinosaur skeletons and models, we saw some fossils in stone. Sean commented that those dinosaurs were "stuck in sand." Soon, he was pulling us by the hand, urging us on to see more dinosaurs. To be honest, it got a little annoying to listen to Sean's repetitions for the twenty minute drive to the museum. Grampy, particularly, would have appreciated a little quiet on the drive. But Sean's litany of what he could turn dinosaurs into was an important exercise in overcoming fear. Sometimes, when children drive us crazy with their seemingly meaningless rants, perhaps we should remember that this is one way children work out their problems. They don't just ponder things in silence; they talk out loud so that the trusted grown-ups in their life can hear them and help them gain a little more control of their emotions. Sean is no longer afraid of dinosaurs. He knows there are no living dinosaurs anymore, and that the ones he sees at museums and zoos are made out of some inanimate material. He also knows he doesn't have to turn them into anything, because he has already turned them in his own mind from something frightening into something interesting. Grampy and I could have tried convincing Sean that there was nothing to be afraid of, had we known he was afraid. But instead we simply listened and let him work it out himself, and as a result he learned two lessons: that dinosaurs aren't scary and that he has the power to conquer his own fear. We grown-ups often spend a lot of time talking to our children: lecturing, teaching, giving orders, scolding, etc. But Grampy and I were reminded of something we had learned many years ago when our own children were small, that the really important job of parents is to listen. |