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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
"ARE YA HAPPY, MOMMY?" 2005-01-27 My grandson Sean frequently asks the question of his mother: "Are ya happy?" Being only four, he is aware enough to know that he is totally dependent on his parents for his own happiness and so he has come to the conclusion that it is better to have a happy mommy than a sad or angry mommy. Consequently, he checks from time to time so that he can feel everything is okay in his world. Occasionally, when he asks the question, after he has misbehaved and he sees a stern look or hears a not so happy voice tone, he gets the answer "No, Sean, I'm not happy." To which he replies "Yes you are. You have to be happy," which is his way of trying to control his mother's feelings and thus his world. When I was visiting a few weeks ago, he asked me the same question: "Grammy, are ya happy?" I told him I was, but added that I wasn't always happy and that it was okay not to be happy sometimes. "No," he said, "don't say that. You have to be happy." His mother reminded him that he is not always happy and he insisted that was not true. When she brought up an incident in which he had cried and gotten angry he said "I was just pretending." It reminded me of my own son who hated to admit to feeling negative feelings. Once when he started to cry and we asked him why, he insisted he wasn't crying but he just had water in his eyes. Teaching children about feelings is one of the most important tasks of parents. Children must learn not only that they and others have feelings and that all feelings are acceptable, but that feelings must be managed in some way so that they don't prompt you to do things that you might regret or that might hurt someone. Sean is still trying to understand that it is okay to have negative feelings like anger and sadness and frustration. Since his mother and father are very open and empathic individuals who try to be patient and understanding with their son it is a bit of a puzzle as to why he would be so reluctant to admit to having negative feelings. Perhaps such feelings scare him because he feels out of control when they appear. At the age of four, Sean does seem to want to be in control of his world, and frustration, anger and sadness must make him feel out of control. He hasn't yet learned to manage those feelings. The first step in learning to manage feelings is, of course, to recognize them when they appear. Because feelings can seem to sneak up on you, Sean has started learning about feelings by trying to find out how to predict when they will occur in others. He checks with his mommy and sometimes his grammy to see if he can detect clues about our feelings. Of course, being at a very narcissistic stage of thinking, he imagines he can control everyone and everything just by making pronouncements that everyone must be happy. He is just starting to understand that his strategy will not work and that is a good thing. He went to the doctor a few days ago for his four year checkup and had a tantrum when his mother offered to help him put his clothes on correctly after he had put his pants on backwards. She was patient, but ultimately got mildly angry with him. When I was talking to her on the phone the next day I heard Sean in the background say "Are ya happy mommy?" "Yes, I'm happy Sean" was her reply. Then Sean said "You weren't happy yesterday at the doctor's." This was a major breakthrough. Sean was accepting the fact that his mother had angry feelings and nothing really bad had happened. My daughter confirmed his observation and then said "You're right. I wasn't happy at the doctor's because you got so angry when I tried to help you." There will be many more years during which my daughter will teach Sean about his own feelings and the feelings of others and will help him learn to manage his feelings and express them with words rather than tantrums, with tears rather than screams, and with productive rather than destructive behavior. This takes incredible patience and an ongoing conversation about feelings and their connection to behavior. When people come in to see a therapist it is obvious that many have never learned the lessons that my daughter is trying to teach her son. In spite of the common question newscasters ask the people they interview ("How does that make you feel?") we still aren't very good at understanding human emotions and their connection to behavior. But one thing seems very clear to me: maturity and psychological health come not from holding feelings back or denying feelings or pretending they don't exist but from recognizing them, owning them, learning from them, and expressing them in ways that are not hurtful to ourselves or others. Feelings are one of the things that make us human, but something even more uniquely human is the ability to think. Being able to think in the midst of emotional times, or learning to manage one's feelings and calm them down so that thinking can take over, are skills all children must learn if they are to be productive and stable adults. These aren't skills they are born with; they must be taught by parents and it isn't always easy. Just ask the mother of a four year old. |