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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
LESSON FROM SEAN: KNOWING YOU ARE LOVED 2004-12-12 Sean started preschool this year and has been having a good time doing art projects, meeting new friends, and sharing his thoughts at circle time. But last week, Sean refused to participate in an art project: a wreath of hand prints to be given as a Christmas gift to his mother. Sean, never one to like getting his hands sticky and dirty, was unwilling to put his hands in green paint to make the hand prints. When his teacher tried to convince him to do the project by telling him that his mother would be so pleased to have such a gift from him, he replied "My mommy will love me even if I don't make a wreath." Wow, what a reply! My guess is that some parents and teachers would see this as a negative incident; others would judge it as a positive one. Those who see it as a negative would say Sean was being stubborn, or disobedient, although I do not believe the teacher ordered him to dip his hands in green paint. Some might even say it shows Sean to be a little neurotic about getting paint on his hands. Most boys, they might say, love to get their hands dirty. Again, this is not universally true. But the biggest objection to Sean's statement would, I guess, be that it was disrespectful and an example of back talk. To some parents, obedience is the most important behavior to instill in a child. Other parents and teachers, however, and I include myself in this group, see Sean's assertive statement as a sign of his very healthy self-esteem and ability to communicate his feelings and thoughts. Sean is obviously confident enough to say he doesn't want to do something he finds unpleasant. After all, just because conventional wisdom says all children (or all boys at least) love to get messy doesn't mean they all do. Everyone is different and if it is okay for an adult to refuse to do something that is simply supposed to be fun, why is it not okay for a child to refuse? If, on the other hand, the teacher had given Sean a direct order to do something for the sake of safety or order and he had refused, that is a different story. But this was not a matter of order or safety, and it seems to me that any child ought to have the right not to do something others enjoy but he finds unpleasant. What is significant here is how Sean chose to turn down the opportunity to make the wreath. He didn't cry or yell; he didn't get angry. He simply said "No, thank you" as he always does when he turns down an offer and then stuck to his guns when the teacher tried to talk him out of his decision. And he didn't do it discourteously. He did it with the simple reasoning that mattered most to him. What would his mother think about his refusal and what would she do? Because he is so secure in his mother's love, he was able to determine that she wouldn't be mad at him for not making her a wreath. She would still love him, which at the age of four is really all that matters to you. (I'm sure, however, that if Sean had misbehaved at school, he would have known his mommy would not be happy.) Not only did Sean stand up for himself and refuse to do something that was unpleasant to him, but he asserted his absolute faith in his mother's unconditional love for him. This is a great tribute to his mother's parenting skill, and an important component of Sean's budding self-esteem. In fact, one of the two most important foundations of self-esteem is feeling securely and unconditionally loved by one's parents. Of course the other foundation of self-esteem is the level of expectation parents put on their children. Parents who expect little will have children who do not accomplish much and who therefore do not feel good about themselves. Parents whose expectations are so high that children can never succeed at meeting them will also damage their children's self-esteem because they children will fail again and again. Parents who raise children with high self-esteem will demand a great deal of their children, and expect them to overcome some obstacles in meeting those demands, but they will not expect more of their children than they can give. So for now, Sean's self-esteem is growing. He is secure in his mother's love and feels confident enough to say "no" to something that is optional, and to him unpleasant. But his mother is wise enough to know she must at times push him to try things he does not like to do or things he finds difficult because it is the only way he will build a self-esteem that includes not just self-love and security, but also a strong sense of efficacy. Once again, we see how delicate is the parental balancing act. Parents have to combine unconditional love with demands for achievement. And expectations of obedience to important directives must be combined with allowing a child to turn down optional activities. So far, Sean's mother seems to be getting the balance right. In the meantime, we have all had a good laugh over Sean's assertiveness and confidence and have told the story many times over to friends and relatives. I'm sure we will be telling it to Sean twenty years from now, reminding him again that he is part of a family that loves him so much that each of us will remember every precious thing he did and said on his path through childhood. |