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Welcome to familywisdom.com, a website dedicated to informing and inspiring couples and families. Each week you will find a new article, story or essay about parenting, marriage or life. Suggestions for articles and questions to Ellen Terich are welcome. You can contact her at e.terich1@verizon.net |
LESSONS FROM SEAN 2002-04-08 Sean is my one year old grandson and I learn something about life, people, parenting and the really important things every time I see him. Recently he has developed a temper. Like all one year olds, he doesn't realize he can't do everything mommy and daddy do and can't have everything mommy and daddy have. He's a very curious little boy and he wants to try everything, touch everything and go everywhere. When mommy or daddy intervene, he tightens up his little fists and lets out a shriek of protest. It's actually kind of cute at this age, but it won't be cute if he's still doing it when he's five or ten or fifteen when mom or dad say he can't have or do something. It will be downright appalling if he continues to behave this way when when he's an adult and his wife disagrees with him or his boss doesn't promote him or someone cuts him off on the road. Yet we have all seen adults who act this way. Recent news reports have highlighted cases of road rage, sports rage, airplane rage. Everyday there are adults who lose their temper with loved ones and physically or emotionally hurt them. What happens between the age of one, when loud protests over not getting what you want are normal, and the age of 25 or 30, when you are supposed to know better? Why is it that some people learn to delay gratification, to discipline themselves and to handle their emotions? I watch my daughter with Sean, remember my own struggles with parenting, think of all the families I've helped as a therapist, and I think I know. When Sean gets upset over not getting his own way, his mother occasionally distracts him and he stops his complaint. But more and more she has begun to tell him "no" and tolerate his protest. She doesn't get upset or angry. She doesn't give in. She simply tells him "no" calmly and firmly and allows him to protest. She is patient and unyielding. Sometimes she says things like "mommy doesn't want you to have that" or "that's not something for you to play with," but the message is the same. Beyond the word "no" the message is something like this: "I know you're upset because you can't have what you want, but I'm your mother and I know best and I love you enough to tell you "no" and to sit here with you and listen to you complaint." What are the important elements here? There are four. The first element is that Sean's mother is not afraid to tell him "no." She accepts her responsibility as the adult and the one who knows better and she asserts her authority. Sean isn't her equal with respect to decision making and authority, and she doesn't let him decide. Sean isn't her pal, her buddy or playmate. She has fun with him, but fun isn't more important than being safe and learning the rules. The second element is that she tells him "no" in a very consistent way. She doesn't let him play with something one day and then tell him he can't the next day. "No" is always "no." There are clear rules so that Sean won't be confused. The third element is that she expects a protest. At his age, Sean has not learned to accept "no" graciously. Someday, his mother will expect him to accept rules without protest, but for now she knows it is normal for his developmental stage. So she braces herself for the scream and lets him do it. When the scream occurs in public, she simply removes him from the situation so that his protest doesn't bother anyone else. She doesn't yell at him or spank him. She has the patience and the endurance to outlast him. He needs to know that. He depends on her strength to help him survive, learn, grow and become a successful human being. The final element is her refusal to give in. Many parents have difficulty getting past the third element. They may know enough to expect some protest but they aren't able to tolerate the fuss. Eventually they give in to quiet the child - especially if they are in a public place. But this is always a mistake. No matter how much the child protests, there can be no capitulation, because then the child has been allowed to decide on the rules. In this case the rule becomes "When mommy says "no," if I yell loud enough, I'll still get what I want." That isn't a good precedent and, if unchanged, will eventually create children who become unpleasant adults. These last two elements are where a lot of parents run into trouble. Most parents know how to say "no" (although some say "no" too frequently, making enforcement a nightmare) and many parents have even learned to be consistent in saying "no," but too many parents struggle not to give in when a child protests loudly. I can certainly understand that. It isn't easy to listen to cries and screams. But it is better to listen when a child is a year old than to have to resort to harsher disciplinary measures when a child is three or five or even fifteen. And it is far better for a parent to adhere to these simple principles of discipline than for any of us to someday be on the receiving end of a thirty year old's temper tantrum. |